WI (Weigh-in) at Fat Losers was great -- lost 3 point something pounds, for a grand total of 25.8 so far. There hasn't been a week yet that I have not lost at least 3 pounds. This breastfeeding thing, it's the best!
Took FI on a little shopping excursion today. I am sorry to admit, but we went to WalMart. I was on a mission for socks... BH needs a particular sort of sock and I haven't been finding them any of the places I normally shop. I was expecting it to be packed with parent/offspring groups shopping for school supplies but it was fairly quiet, for WalMart. During workday hours it's the domain of the elderly... So FI was admired by one and all. Had her in the Snugli facing out, she fell asleep while chewing on my thumb. Then hiked over to the coffee place (all the while quite paranoid that those bastards at WalMart security would tow my car if they saw me leaving it in the parking lot) and sat for a bit having a mocha and looking at the paper while FI snoozed peacefully in my lap.
Saw an interesting column about a family who decided to depart from the materialist way of life and spend one year not buying things. They only bought things that would be depleted by everyday living, like food, laundry soap, etc. No durable goods. I think it sounds interesting. They said that when the year was up they did not rush out to buy, buy, buy as they thought they might. They had just gotten used to finding other ways to meet their needs, like borrowing, trading, or doing without. They did also spend money on meals out and activities -- just not goods.
I think I'd like to try it sometime but not til after we get the treadmill... And not buying gifts for family at Christmas wouldn't fly... so we'd have to think about it. I would probably create some categories that were non-negotiable like BH has to have decent work clothes, etc. But we certainly don't need more DVD's, video games, tools, (and in my case) art/craft supplies, etc. It would be interesting to work with what we have... Or modify it a bit and create a sort of itsy-bitsy allowance for things. Heavens! A budget?!
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
Heavy Sigh
Well, we handed her off to her new person, who seems quite nice. She lives in a very funky old building in North Portland, not an area I'd live in personally but it's the sort of place hip young folk of today live. She has a rescued greyhound (who was wearing hilarious pink socks on his back feet when we saw him, to keep him from scratching this place on his neck) and another cat, and wanted a companion for her cat because he seems lonely. She made us cookies... so we drowned my sorrows in cookies on the way home.
When we left poor Banshee was huddled miserably in a bathroom cupboard, terrified. I wanted to crawl in there with her... My chest felt heavy all day afterward, and still does a little. But we called last night to see how she was and her new person said she was still in the bathroom but was grooving on some skritches and was rolling around on the floor, so it looks like she will be okay.
But I miss my little kitty.
There's a part of me hopes she won't adjust and we'll get her back, but then the piss wars would begin again so I know it wouldn't really matter, we'd just have to hand her off again. So I really just want her to be happy in her new place, and I'll think of her and get all verklempt sometimes.
Slick is next on the block, he's been kind of depressed since Banshee mysteriously disappeared (from his perspective). We found him spraying the couch... we didn't know he sprayed. He'll be a great pet for someone else... I never had the same attachment to him that I did for Banshee, he's a little more independent and kind of a big gomer, but I'll miss him too.
Almost time for Fat Losers! Better get dressed. Fat free Fudgsicles keep me on the straight & narrow... What keeps me from losing like I should is that I haven't been a) tracking well, b) drinking enough water, and c) exercising.
The exercising part is due mainly to FI, who still is not a big fan of the stroller, and the Snugli we have makes your back want to snap in half after about a half mile of walking. So I ordered a Mayawrap, not the classic wrap but this smaller sling thingy, in the hopes that it might help. Also once she can tolerate life a little better I'm hoping to make an arrangement with the neighbors across the street, that maybe Violetta (older lady babysitter who lives with them now) can watch her for an hour or two at a time so I can sneak up to the pool or go for a bike ride.
Meanwhile I'll just have to muddle along.
But as for the not tracking and the not drinking enough water, that's purely my fault and I need to get off my ass and make it happen.
When we left poor Banshee was huddled miserably in a bathroom cupboard, terrified. I wanted to crawl in there with her... My chest felt heavy all day afterward, and still does a little. But we called last night to see how she was and her new person said she was still in the bathroom but was grooving on some skritches and was rolling around on the floor, so it looks like she will be okay.
But I miss my little kitty.
There's a part of me hopes she won't adjust and we'll get her back, but then the piss wars would begin again so I know it wouldn't really matter, we'd just have to hand her off again. So I really just want her to be happy in her new place, and I'll think of her and get all verklempt sometimes.
Slick is next on the block, he's been kind of depressed since Banshee mysteriously disappeared (from his perspective). We found him spraying the couch... we didn't know he sprayed. He'll be a great pet for someone else... I never had the same attachment to him that I did for Banshee, he's a little more independent and kind of a big gomer, but I'll miss him too.
Almost time for Fat Losers! Better get dressed. Fat free Fudgsicles keep me on the straight & narrow... What keeps me from losing like I should is that I haven't been a) tracking well, b) drinking enough water, and c) exercising.
The exercising part is due mainly to FI, who still is not a big fan of the stroller, and the Snugli we have makes your back want to snap in half after about a half mile of walking. So I ordered a Mayawrap, not the classic wrap but this smaller sling thingy, in the hopes that it might help. Also once she can tolerate life a little better I'm hoping to make an arrangement with the neighbors across the street, that maybe Violetta (older lady babysitter who lives with them now) can watch her for an hour or two at a time so I can sneak up to the pool or go for a bike ride.
Meanwhile I'll just have to muddle along.
But as for the not tracking and the not drinking enough water, that's purely my fault and I need to get off my ass and make it happen.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Sorrow
We leave in about a half hour to drop Banshee off. I am so sad. She will be confused and scared, and Slick will be so lonely without her.
I know in the grand scheme of things this is hardly a blip on the screen -- she'll go to a good home, she'll be well cared for, she'll get over being scared and confused. Slick will go to a new home as soon as we can find one, and he'll be okay too. But we have had these cats for three years, we got Banshee when she was three weeks old, so tiny she slept in my overalls pocket. Slick was a sad, greasy stray when we found him outside. They have been together nearly all their lives. And loss always hits me the hardest. It's the constant in my life, separation from those most dear to me for whatever reason. When I studied abroad I was numb with the grief of being so far from everyone I knew, even though I knew I'd be home in a few months... And so it's a deeply personal issue for me. I feel so bad for doing this... but it's got to happen.
I know in the grand scheme of things this is hardly a blip on the screen -- she'll go to a good home, she'll be well cared for, she'll get over being scared and confused. Slick will go to a new home as soon as we can find one, and he'll be okay too. But we have had these cats for three years, we got Banshee when she was three weeks old, so tiny she slept in my overalls pocket. Slick was a sad, greasy stray when we found him outside. They have been together nearly all their lives. And loss always hits me the hardest. It's the constant in my life, separation from those most dear to me for whatever reason. When I studied abroad I was numb with the grief of being so far from everyone I knew, even though I knew I'd be home in a few months... And so it's a deeply personal issue for me. I feel so bad for doing this... but it's got to happen.
Friday, August 27, 2004
One Down
Tomorrow we take Banshee (the peeing cat) to her potential new home. Someone from BH's work heard about our kitties and wants a companion for her cat, so we decided to split up the lovebirds. I hate to split them up but it's hard to find a home for an adult cat, and hopefully she will bond with her new friend and be happy.
We will still have to find a place for Slick, as without Banshee he will be even more gnarly to Wilbur. But Slick is a very calm, personable cat, very handsome and robust, and other than harrassing his elders has no real bad habits (for example, has never been known to pee anywhere inappropriate).
I didn't want to take them to a shelter, it was killing me, but this cat pee thing has got to stop. So I'm very glad that we have an option. She really is the most delightful cat and with luck will not pee anywhere strange in her new home. But today I went into the bedroom to lay the baby down and found Banshee and Slick curled up together, we call it "love in the afternoon" when they do that, and I had a pang at the thought of taking her away from him. I know that he will wander around the house looking for her after she's gone. :(
Lit a virtual candle today for an old friend of Cate's who has lost one triplet and faces the imminent death of a second one. I can't imagine. I was so distraught when I thought I'd lost Delia at 15 weeks, I can't imagine the anguish of giving birth to a sick baby, watching him go through surgeries and procedures, then losing him anyway... My heart just breaks for her. There was a sick baby born at the hospital when we were there having Delia and it really brought it into focus for me how lucky we were that she was born hale and hearty.
We will still have to find a place for Slick, as without Banshee he will be even more gnarly to Wilbur. But Slick is a very calm, personable cat, very handsome and robust, and other than harrassing his elders has no real bad habits (for example, has never been known to pee anywhere inappropriate).
I didn't want to take them to a shelter, it was killing me, but this cat pee thing has got to stop. So I'm very glad that we have an option. She really is the most delightful cat and with luck will not pee anywhere strange in her new home. But today I went into the bedroom to lay the baby down and found Banshee and Slick curled up together, we call it "love in the afternoon" when they do that, and I had a pang at the thought of taking her away from him. I know that he will wander around the house looking for her after she's gone. :(
Lit a virtual candle today for an old friend of Cate's who has lost one triplet and faces the imminent death of a second one. I can't imagine. I was so distraught when I thought I'd lost Delia at 15 weeks, I can't imagine the anguish of giving birth to a sick baby, watching him go through surgeries and procedures, then losing him anyway... My heart just breaks for her. There was a sick baby born at the hospital when we were there having Delia and it really brought it into focus for me how lucky we were that she was born hale and hearty.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Cat Pee Hostages
Woke up to the sound of a cat scratching in the corner of the bedroom. It was Wilbur. Did not find new pee there, but got all paranoid and got up to clean litterboxes. Found pee on the floor in front of the box in the kitchen and the ones in the basement... Have issued ultimatum to BH (not really but did express that I could not take even one more day of cat pee) that we must get rid of the two youngest cats ASAP, ideally Friday. The pee problems are escalating. It's because Slick torments Wilbur, then Wilbur in desperation pees somewhere she shouldn't, then Banshee is so painfully stupid she thinks that if there was pee there one time, it must mean it's totally okay to pee there from that day forward, even if it's right in front of the clean, inviting litterbox.
To date:
SE Corner of living room -- saturated, carpet ruined
S Corner of living room by hutch -- saturated, carpet ruined
Corner of bedroom by cabinet, once only
Baby's room, once only
Bathroom, to the point that we now close the door at all times
Basement, in front of litterboxes
Corner of mud room -- saturated, linoleum ruined
Both couches (though this was because Beany had bladder infection) -- ruined and will be disposed of eventually
It breaks my heart but I have reached the point where I can't take the pee anymore. The anger and despair over our house stinking like a litterbox now overshadows the heartache at the thought that Banshee and Slick will be scared and alone in some strange place. I don't think we can give them to anyone we know, as they will pee in their new home and that will just make their new owners hate us. I think we have to give them to a no-kill cat shelter... They are a bonded pair and so far as I know, they will be kept together and placed together.
I just want to cry but I can't live like this anymore.
It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well last night and then had a hard time getting FI down tonight too. She seems to be extra screamy lately when she gets tired. I was so deeply asleep when Wilbur woke me... and now I'm too upset to sleep. :(
To date:
SE Corner of living room -- saturated, carpet ruined
S Corner of living room by hutch -- saturated, carpet ruined
Corner of bedroom by cabinet, once only
Baby's room, once only
Bathroom, to the point that we now close the door at all times
Basement, in front of litterboxes
Corner of mud room -- saturated, linoleum ruined
Both couches (though this was because Beany had bladder infection) -- ruined and will be disposed of eventually
It breaks my heart but I have reached the point where I can't take the pee anymore. The anger and despair over our house stinking like a litterbox now overshadows the heartache at the thought that Banshee and Slick will be scared and alone in some strange place. I don't think we can give them to anyone we know, as they will pee in their new home and that will just make their new owners hate us. I think we have to give them to a no-kill cat shelter... They are a bonded pair and so far as I know, they will be kept together and placed together.
I just want to cry but I can't live like this anymore.
It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well last night and then had a hard time getting FI down tonight too. She seems to be extra screamy lately when she gets tired. I was so deeply asleep when Wilbur woke me... and now I'm too upset to sleep. :(
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
When It Rains
It's freaking pouring lately. Making up for lost time, it's been so dry and hot... It's fabulous.
As always, blogging in the wee hours. Baby sleeping, wife sleeping, everyone sleeping but me. I've been kind of insomniac lately, waking up and dorking around on the computer for an hour or so most nights. It's kind of worrisome in a way, in that generally if I'm having trouble sleeping it's because something is wrong, but I think this stems more from the general worries of having a new baby and not something more acute. Plus I have learned it may be the only real chunk of time I get in a day that is mine and even then can be cut short at any moment...
Yesterday finally got some stuff in the mail by walking to post office with baby in front pack. She can hold head up well enough to ride facing out and she grooves on it, particularly if she can get ahold of your fingers and cram them in her tiny mouth while you're walking. I sent some stuff up to Nome and also threw that quviut in the mail for fellow blogger Cate to play with. Not a minute too soon as I found our two younger cats mauling it the other day after I had cleaned up the living room a little and set it down where they could reach it. They were quite interested in it though they haven't molested the itty-bitty fur slippers from Nome that have been sitting on top of the piano for a couple of weeks. The dogs would have those slippers in furry little shreds if they could reach them, but the cats don't seem interested. Huh.
Much has happened lately. We are buying a Vanagon, for starters. Old family friends of BH have it up for sale. Garaged its whole life, meticulously maintained, newly rebuilt engine, only driven to church on Sundays etc. Okay just kidding about that but it only had 150k on it when the engine was rebuilt in February. It's freaking gorgeous.
To get the cash for it we are cashing in my 403(b). It will get us enough to buy the Vanagon and pay off all our credit cards, (of which we have only three and it's not like we have tons of credit card debt) and then we can stuff all that money we were spending on interest into savings, Roth IRA's, and college fund for little FI. Now that we've paid the car off, all the debt we'll have after this will be my student loan and the mortgage. I am rubbing my grubby little paws together in anticipation of socking away money -- have never been much of a saver and am quite interested in experiencing having money around and not touching it. Not that it won't be a challenge but after my entire life of mismanaging money, I'm ready to make the change.
Speaking of making changes, I'm keeping up the good work with Fat Losers, I mean Weight Watchers. I have lost 22.6 pounds to date, in about five weeks. This whole breastfeeding thing is da bomb... And I have kept up my interest in triathlons. Seems pretty ambitious for someone who a) has never been terribly athletic, and b) has the flattest feet in captivity. But the more weight I lose, the better my feet feel. I can now walk a couple of miles and not be so sore afterward that I can't think straight, as was the case in the past. The orthotics I have now help, and so does wearing better shoes if I'm doing more than just hanging around the house too. BH asked what I want for my birthday (in about two weeks) and I said, running shoes. We are getting a treadmill too! Once we have saved up a bit. BH has wanted one for the longest time and now I am seeing the value in having one too. Run in the privacy of our basement, away from the watchful eyes of our neighbors... At least until there is less of me than currently, so there won't be so much jiggling.
FI is doing well. She has discovered her feet, and sticks her little legs in the air more often. She grabs her toes and stares at her hand and foot. She has been pretty screamy this past couple of days though, and when I try to get her to sleep by bouncing on the exercise ball she conks out much more quickly than usual. Maybe this is the 3-month growth spurt they talk about. She's about that age now. We also reached A Milestone today -- I set her down on the bed after getting her to sleep, and she didn't wake up and start screaming! Usually I have to get into bed with her and even nurse her because she wakes up and starts having a conniption, but twice today I got her down without getting into the bed too. So we will practice this during the day and get a room-darkening roller shade for her room because it's so very bright in there, and eventually move on to laying her down in (gasp!) the crib! At least during the day for naps.
I do like co-sleeping, for a lot of reasons, primarily because she's so hard to get to sleep otherwise and so desperately seems to need to be held and cuddled at night. This is a 180 degree turn from how I felt about it before giving birth; I was very anti-bed-sharing.
Uh oh I hear her on the monitor. Time to go...
As always, blogging in the wee hours. Baby sleeping, wife sleeping, everyone sleeping but me. I've been kind of insomniac lately, waking up and dorking around on the computer for an hour or so most nights. It's kind of worrisome in a way, in that generally if I'm having trouble sleeping it's because something is wrong, but I think this stems more from the general worries of having a new baby and not something more acute. Plus I have learned it may be the only real chunk of time I get in a day that is mine and even then can be cut short at any moment...
Yesterday finally got some stuff in the mail by walking to post office with baby in front pack. She can hold head up well enough to ride facing out and she grooves on it, particularly if she can get ahold of your fingers and cram them in her tiny mouth while you're walking. I sent some stuff up to Nome and also threw that quviut in the mail for fellow blogger Cate to play with. Not a minute too soon as I found our two younger cats mauling it the other day after I had cleaned up the living room a little and set it down where they could reach it. They were quite interested in it though they haven't molested the itty-bitty fur slippers from Nome that have been sitting on top of the piano for a couple of weeks. The dogs would have those slippers in furry little shreds if they could reach them, but the cats don't seem interested. Huh.
Much has happened lately. We are buying a Vanagon, for starters. Old family friends of BH have it up for sale. Garaged its whole life, meticulously maintained, newly rebuilt engine, only driven to church on Sundays etc. Okay just kidding about that but it only had 150k on it when the engine was rebuilt in February. It's freaking gorgeous.
To get the cash for it we are cashing in my 403(b). It will get us enough to buy the Vanagon and pay off all our credit cards, (of which we have only three and it's not like we have tons of credit card debt) and then we can stuff all that money we were spending on interest into savings, Roth IRA's, and college fund for little FI. Now that we've paid the car off, all the debt we'll have after this will be my student loan and the mortgage. I am rubbing my grubby little paws together in anticipation of socking away money -- have never been much of a saver and am quite interested in experiencing having money around and not touching it. Not that it won't be a challenge but after my entire life of mismanaging money, I'm ready to make the change.
Speaking of making changes, I'm keeping up the good work with Fat Losers, I mean Weight Watchers. I have lost 22.6 pounds to date, in about five weeks. This whole breastfeeding thing is da bomb... And I have kept up my interest in triathlons. Seems pretty ambitious for someone who a) has never been terribly athletic, and b) has the flattest feet in captivity. But the more weight I lose, the better my feet feel. I can now walk a couple of miles and not be so sore afterward that I can't think straight, as was the case in the past. The orthotics I have now help, and so does wearing better shoes if I'm doing more than just hanging around the house too. BH asked what I want for my birthday (in about two weeks) and I said, running shoes. We are getting a treadmill too! Once we have saved up a bit. BH has wanted one for the longest time and now I am seeing the value in having one too. Run in the privacy of our basement, away from the watchful eyes of our neighbors... At least until there is less of me than currently, so there won't be so much jiggling.
FI is doing well. She has discovered her feet, and sticks her little legs in the air more often. She grabs her toes and stares at her hand and foot. She has been pretty screamy this past couple of days though, and when I try to get her to sleep by bouncing on the exercise ball she conks out much more quickly than usual. Maybe this is the 3-month growth spurt they talk about. She's about that age now. We also reached A Milestone today -- I set her down on the bed after getting her to sleep, and she didn't wake up and start screaming! Usually I have to get into bed with her and even nurse her because she wakes up and starts having a conniption, but twice today I got her down without getting into the bed too. So we will practice this during the day and get a room-darkening roller shade for her room because it's so very bright in there, and eventually move on to laying her down in (gasp!) the crib! At least during the day for naps.
I do like co-sleeping, for a lot of reasons, primarily because she's so hard to get to sleep otherwise and so desperately seems to need to be held and cuddled at night. This is a 180 degree turn from how I felt about it before giving birth; I was very anti-bed-sharing.
Uh oh I hear her on the monitor. Time to go...
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
It Could Be Worse
Friend Munka having some troubles. Husband PrickBoy has evidently been fooling around on her... Some woman called her house and asked her if she was happily married, to which M replied Of course, and the woman said Are you sure, and it turns out that PB has been telling this woman that he and M are getting a divorce (which wasn't the plan as far as M knew) and the woman's phone number appears on the cellphone bill every single day for a whole month, and maybe longer, M just couldn't get online to see last month's bill. PB's been pulling this "not coming home, not calling, not answering cellphone or returning messages" thing occasionally this past month too. Like that doesn't send up enormous red flags. He does travel for work but there's no excuse for not calling if she is expecting him home... obviously he's been fooling around, why else wouldn't he call or answer his phone, unless it's because he's hiding something?
So I may go down there and keep her some company later if she wants me to. Don't want to be in the way but she sounds pretty freaked out. Said she told him she wants some answers today or she's putting the house on the market tomorrow -- and we thought she had no backbone! Go M!
BH came home early yesterday, think my post freaked her out. We just spent relaxing afternoon/eve watching movies and talking and playing with baby. No need for freaking out, we will be okay... We never really go to bed mad (okay, irritated once or twice but never mad) and that's the main thing, not to let things lie too long, and we love each other so it'll all work out. This is all just stressful stuff, that's all.
So I may go down there and keep her some company later if she wants me to. Don't want to be in the way but she sounds pretty freaked out. Said she told him she wants some answers today or she's putting the house on the market tomorrow -- and we thought she had no backbone! Go M!
BH came home early yesterday, think my post freaked her out. We just spent relaxing afternoon/eve watching movies and talking and playing with baby. No need for freaking out, we will be okay... We never really go to bed mad (okay, irritated once or twice but never mad) and that's the main thing, not to let things lie too long, and we love each other so it'll all work out. This is all just stressful stuff, that's all.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
More Baby Blues
Haven't yet let completely go of idea that I might get a break in the evenings. Really do think it's not possible to expect a consistent break period every evening as there are other things for both of us to do, i.e. make/eat/clean up dinner, visit with each other, feed/medicate pets, take out garbage (on Monday nights), water plants/lawn, change sheets, wash/fold/iron clothing, etc. Wife and I both suffering from angry feelings about this, me from wanting desperately to have short break without baby in arms in evening, wife from wanting household chores to get done earlier so that bedtime is not horrible rush and from frustration that baby is more comforted by me so if I hand her over, baby will just yell at wife which isn't fun for either one. Arguing about it brings up feelings in us both that are old, and which are not dissimilar: feeling like you're not important, that you don't matter. Then I feel like a selfish immature jerk, and I am ashamed and yell because I'm upset, and then cry, because I cry very easily sometimes. And then she feels like she's making me cry, and she's always the bad guy, and then I feel even more immature, and it just spirals right into the toilet.
I keep saying, I wish I could go back to that year that I spent basically fucking around, and do it over: organize things, establish a menu system, take care of the house. I get overwhelmed and think I can't do it and then I just don't do anything. What is this fear of failure thing? Is it really a fear of success? Why wouldn't I be able to maintain a modest home, take care of two other people (one of whom is very small and doesn't need things like ironed clothing or dinner on a plate)? Why did I waste so much time when I could have been making our lives smoother and better? She brings it up when we are arguing; she's still resentful of it. It was a slow burn for her, she says, my disregard for her and for our home and our lives, and now she can't let it go. She's trying, I know she is, and I'm trying to make it up to her, but I can't really with the baby always needing to be held and so forth. When I have free time (what precious little there is, when the baby naps, which is infrequent) I usually shower and feed myself, and once that's done I try to pick up around the house a little or pay bills or whatever needs doing at that particular time, and then bolt down here for a few minutes of email and blogging and surfing and whatever. There is no way for me to embark on some big organizing project unless someone can come entertain the baby. And then when BH is home, we're so overwhelmed with the day to day stuff that when there is time for her, she has to decide between major cleaning (like rearranging furniture and cleaning the rug) to make me happy and the house more livable, or taking time for herself. And she wants to please me and always puts herself last, and then later she gets so burned out from not having any time to just sit and not feel pressure.
I have this urge when stressed to try to sneak out of doing things, to bolt downstairs. I think sometimes it's justifiable -- need to shut head off, and can do laundry while on computer -- but sometimes it's just to get away from all the things I feel like I can't do for one reason or another. I am an avoider. A depressive avoider.
So I guess what I need to do is kiss regular, programmed me time goodbye, catch it where I can get it (get up in middle of night, try to get baby down for naps, etc), and lower my expectations for now. She's not going to be like this forever. I will eventually be able to grab a half hour here or there, or do something at the table while she plays with toys on the floor, or whatever. Right now I can't even make myself something to eat or go to the bathroom while she's awake without either carrying her or having her scream at me, unless by some miracle she will get entranced by her bouncy aquarium seat or the Baby Einstein video. And I'm not very good at not complaining or not feeling overwhelmed, and I take up all the room in this relationship with my complaining and my overwhelmedness. So not only do I get all the fun parts of motherhood, (which ain't really all that fun sometimes: breastfeeding makes you leak everywhere, and it's tiring that the baby only wants you and not anyone else), but I make so much noise about the parts that suck that it's all about me all the time. And poor BH gets the short end of the stick.
I know we can get through this but it's just damn hard. I feel like there are so many things I need to change about myself, and so many things I have screwed up and need to make up to her, that I can never really get it all done.
But I have to try.
I keep saying, I wish I could go back to that year that I spent basically fucking around, and do it over: organize things, establish a menu system, take care of the house. I get overwhelmed and think I can't do it and then I just don't do anything. What is this fear of failure thing? Is it really a fear of success? Why wouldn't I be able to maintain a modest home, take care of two other people (one of whom is very small and doesn't need things like ironed clothing or dinner on a plate)? Why did I waste so much time when I could have been making our lives smoother and better? She brings it up when we are arguing; she's still resentful of it. It was a slow burn for her, she says, my disregard for her and for our home and our lives, and now she can't let it go. She's trying, I know she is, and I'm trying to make it up to her, but I can't really with the baby always needing to be held and so forth. When I have free time (what precious little there is, when the baby naps, which is infrequent) I usually shower and feed myself, and once that's done I try to pick up around the house a little or pay bills or whatever needs doing at that particular time, and then bolt down here for a few minutes of email and blogging and surfing and whatever. There is no way for me to embark on some big organizing project unless someone can come entertain the baby. And then when BH is home, we're so overwhelmed with the day to day stuff that when there is time for her, she has to decide between major cleaning (like rearranging furniture and cleaning the rug) to make me happy and the house more livable, or taking time for herself. And she wants to please me and always puts herself last, and then later she gets so burned out from not having any time to just sit and not feel pressure.
I have this urge when stressed to try to sneak out of doing things, to bolt downstairs. I think sometimes it's justifiable -- need to shut head off, and can do laundry while on computer -- but sometimes it's just to get away from all the things I feel like I can't do for one reason or another. I am an avoider. A depressive avoider.
So I guess what I need to do is kiss regular, programmed me time goodbye, catch it where I can get it (get up in middle of night, try to get baby down for naps, etc), and lower my expectations for now. She's not going to be like this forever. I will eventually be able to grab a half hour here or there, or do something at the table while she plays with toys on the floor, or whatever. Right now I can't even make myself something to eat or go to the bathroom while she's awake without either carrying her or having her scream at me, unless by some miracle she will get entranced by her bouncy aquarium seat or the Baby Einstein video. And I'm not very good at not complaining or not feeling overwhelmed, and I take up all the room in this relationship with my complaining and my overwhelmedness. So not only do I get all the fun parts of motherhood, (which ain't really all that fun sometimes: breastfeeding makes you leak everywhere, and it's tiring that the baby only wants you and not anyone else), but I make so much noise about the parts that suck that it's all about me all the time. And poor BH gets the short end of the stick.
I know we can get through this but it's just damn hard. I feel like there are so many things I need to change about myself, and so many things I have screwed up and need to make up to her, that I can never really get it all done.
But I have to try.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Sunday Go To Meeting
We went to church today. Waverly United Church of Christ. The minister from that particular church is the one who married us in March, so we figured it would be a good place to start. UCC seems to be one of your more liberal, groovy types of churches.
BH grew up going to church whereas I only went sporadically; she attended a UCC for part of that time so it's familiar to her. I was an erstwhile Methodist, even got confirmed into the church but then realized in my early teen years (when evidently most churchgoing youth will stray if they're going to) that I had little or no idea why I was a Methodist vs. any other type of Christian, and also that I disliked many of the people at the church, particularly the horrid lady who badgered you into going to Sunday School (or had to know exactly why you weren't going). So I stopped going.
Why go back to church now? For starters, to protect our young one from other "Christians" who would claim that God doesn't love her mothers... And for community, I think, and for spiritual needs. We don't talk about them much, we're not that sort of people, and it's so uncool amongst the hip young crowd -- lesbians in particular; it's like if you're a lesbian, you must also be pagan, belong to the Green party, eat vegetarian, wear hemp clothing, etc etc. Not that I have anything against that sort of thing, it's just not who I am. Hemp is itchy, I like meat, etc.
Uh oh, FI awake. Not surprising, she dozed off at 6pm last night and it's 8am now.
BH grew up going to church whereas I only went sporadically; she attended a UCC for part of that time so it's familiar to her. I was an erstwhile Methodist, even got confirmed into the church but then realized in my early teen years (when evidently most churchgoing youth will stray if they're going to) that I had little or no idea why I was a Methodist vs. any other type of Christian, and also that I disliked many of the people at the church, particularly the horrid lady who badgered you into going to Sunday School (or had to know exactly why you weren't going). So I stopped going.
Why go back to church now? For starters, to protect our young one from other "Christians" who would claim that God doesn't love her mothers... And for community, I think, and for spiritual needs. We don't talk about them much, we're not that sort of people, and it's so uncool amongst the hip young crowd -- lesbians in particular; it's like if you're a lesbian, you must also be pagan, belong to the Green party, eat vegetarian, wear hemp clothing, etc etc. Not that I have anything against that sort of thing, it's just not who I am. Hemp is itchy, I like meat, etc.
Uh oh, FI awake. Not surprising, she dozed off at 6pm last night and it's 8am now.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Midnight Oil
It's 4am and I am wide awake. Thought I'd do some laundry rather than toss and turn and irritate offspring and spouse...
Going to an Attachment Parenting play group today. Need very much to meet some other parents of infants... and would like to be a good parent. Rather afraid my hot temper will get me in trouble with baby, don't want to be snappish horrible shrew and cause child(ren) to hate me in my old age. Or young age for that matter. Have already become more patient; find self not getting quite so angry at baby when she screams but rather talk gently to her and hold her even closer. This in part due to spouse who is the very soul of patience most of the time. Also when mercury rises see headlines running through mind about terrible things parents do to their kids and recoil in horror at thought of generating such a headline myself. No baby deserves such a thing. Breaks my heart to think of it...
Going to an Attachment Parenting play group today. Need very much to meet some other parents of infants... and would like to be a good parent. Rather afraid my hot temper will get me in trouble with baby, don't want to be snappish horrible shrew and cause child(ren) to hate me in my old age. Or young age for that matter. Have already become more patient; find self not getting quite so angry at baby when she screams but rather talk gently to her and hold her even closer. This in part due to spouse who is the very soul of patience most of the time. Also when mercury rises see headlines running through mind about terrible things parents do to their kids and recoil in horror at thought of generating such a headline myself. No baby deserves such a thing. Breaks my heart to think of it...
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Baby Einstein
Okay, I know you're not supposed to park your baby in front of TV, but if you must, Baby Mozart is the way to go... FI was screaming and nothing I could do for her was helping, i.e. she was clean, dry, fed, etc. Even bobbling her on exercise ball was not cutting it. I fired up the DVD and she immediately was mesmerized by the images and the music... Set her in the swing and she was rapt. Now she has dozed off.
Am I a bad mother?
I think I would be if I was letting her watch "GI Joe" or similar... but surely comfortable images of puppets, toys, mobiles, etc. set to lovely music is not so bad? It certainly saves my sanity at times like these.
Am I a bad mother?
I think I would be if I was letting her watch "GI Joe" or similar... but surely comfortable images of puppets, toys, mobiles, etc. set to lovely music is not so bad? It certainly saves my sanity at times like these.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Karmic Retribution
Whatever I did to make it so that my MIL would come and bring her yappy nasty little drop-kick dog, I'M SORRY! It'll never happen again!!!!
She is upstairs napping on couch while 4yo nephew languishes in boredom. Am unable to contain anger at this state of affairs so stopped downstairs for brief respite in front of machine. Unavoidable really, as alternative is to snap and behave poorly.
She is upstairs napping on couch while 4yo nephew languishes in boredom. Am unable to contain anger at this state of affairs so stopped downstairs for brief respite in front of machine. Unavoidable really, as alternative is to snap and behave poorly.
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Baby blues
Having to do some soul-searching lately. Became parent to especially screamy infant at exceptionally late age, for me anyway: 36. Set in my ways. Unused to constant responsibility and impossibility of sneaking off for any length of time except at the expense of another (i.e. wife must watch baby or baby must scream tiny little ass off). Wife willing to watch baby at times, but difficult to juggle wife's needs among my own and baby's... This is all such a huge, huge adjustment.
List of personal faults:
1. Selfish. Constantly craving "alone time."
2. Peevish. Unable to "roll with the punches," i.e. accept that baby will scream incessantly without, and sometimes in spite of, constant bobbling, rocking, bouncing, dandling, etc; complain out loud frequently of same, leading to negative mood in house.
3. Thoughtless. Wife feels like second banana constantly because I fail to make her feel special. And this is not needy wife constantly demanding attention. I mean, I fail to fulfill minimum requirements.
List of personal faults:
1. Selfish. Constantly craving "alone time."
2. Peevish. Unable to "roll with the punches," i.e. accept that baby will scream incessantly without, and sometimes in spite of, constant bobbling, rocking, bouncing, dandling, etc; complain out loud frequently of same, leading to negative mood in house.
3. Thoughtless. Wife feels like second banana constantly because I fail to make her feel special. And this is not needy wife constantly demanding attention. I mean, I fail to fulfill minimum requirements.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Turtle Soccer
Went to see nephew Tom-Tom's soccer game this evening. He is four. Soccer for four year olds consists of three players from each team on a tiny little field, kicking each other in lieu of the ball, wandering off, tipping over for no apparent reason, and occasionally propelling a soccer ball in the direction of a goal, sometimes even the correct one. Each game lasts twenty minutes and is completely hilarious. The little kids remind me of those baby sea turtles that hatch and then flail like hell toward the water...
FI even managed to maintain her composure for pretty much the whole time, and for a brief stint at Dairy Queen afterward (at which Yours Truly was good and had a diet soda, and only a couple bites off BH's dipped cone). There was a certain amount of squalling on the way home but it couldn't be helped; she was hungry and tired. I knew the feeling.
BH had a run-in with evil Stick Insect neighbor, a round of "bus chicken" in which they found themselves on the same bus home from downtown. (SI attends the local university, courtesy Mummy's checkbook) SI evidently said a somewhat cheery Hello and seemed to expect lively neighborly banter. BH replied with a polite Hi and then proceeded to rummage in backpack for her book (A Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin, I highly recommend) and read the rest of the way home, ignoring SI altogether. She could tell this was disturbing to SI as she could see her from the corner of her eye, and then SI got off the bus a full twelve blocks early! Interesting. I wonder how SI could think that BH would want to converse with her after being thoroughly bitched at for more than a half hour over nothing?
Until/unless we get an apology from SI, am determined to just pretend they don't exist. See, it's all about Image to them. They are fit, attractive (by their own standards, not so much mine), moneyed (SI's Mom is loaded apparently), childless, social drinking, etc. etc. We are not fit, attractive in our own ways (but not theirs), modest living, with child, don't drink, etc etc. This makes us Uncool. We were at least semi-Cool being all gay and everything but then we had to go blow it by saddling ourselves with a baby. It just tipped the scale from its tenuous Neutral balance.
Plus am irritated by SI's power play. She would like us to think that she is very powerful and BH really pissed her off by not buying into it. BH is maddeningly reasonable and very quick, would make excellent lawyer, and there's nothing more annoying to emotionally reactive individual than someone blandly pointing out flaws in argument. (Ask me how I know this...) SI and MI are really into their own sense of power and it's been interesting to see how it all works, or doesn't, in the face of someone who won't back down and kiss their collective ass, i.e. BH. She done me right proud...
To further irritate evil neighbors, we are looking in to having walnut tree removed from back yard. We have been talking about doing so for some time so it's not like we are doing it just to annoy them; that's just an added bonus. The tree spews crap into the yard three seasons out of the year, the dog eats the nuts and vomits them onto the rug, (or worse, farts like a rhino), etc etc. I'm looking forward to witnessing the inevitable temper tantrum from SI when she sees the tree coming down... it shades their yard quite nicely in the afternoons, how dare we have it cut down! Don't we realize it's all about them?! Plus she told me once that "you don't just remove healthy plants" when I told her we were thinking of taking out an evergreen shrub that borders their driveway. Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the Sierra Club. We want to re-do the back yard in sort of a quasi zen thing, lots of grasses and trees, not so much flowers, and this stupid walnut tree just won't fit. Not that I'm in favor of just yanking things out willy-nilly but honestly, it makes the yard unliveable by killing the grass with its tassels, leaves, nuts and hulls. You can't walk barefoot out there in any event. I'd like a nice place for FI to play, and it's not going to be under that damn tree.
So, that ought to be amusing. Maybe I'll take pictures. At least pop some popcorn and get an icy cold beverage, set up a chair to watch the fun.
Well, should get going. Am up now for no good reason, think it was diet soda, lot of caffeine for me this late. Should have thought of that. Told self only to stay up one hour, or else will be sleep deprived and crabby tomorrow. As opposed to usual crabbiness-for-no-reason.
FI even managed to maintain her composure for pretty much the whole time, and for a brief stint at Dairy Queen afterward (at which Yours Truly was good and had a diet soda, and only a couple bites off BH's dipped cone). There was a certain amount of squalling on the way home but it couldn't be helped; she was hungry and tired. I knew the feeling.
BH had a run-in with evil Stick Insect neighbor, a round of "bus chicken" in which they found themselves on the same bus home from downtown. (SI attends the local university, courtesy Mummy's checkbook) SI evidently said a somewhat cheery Hello and seemed to expect lively neighborly banter. BH replied with a polite Hi and then proceeded to rummage in backpack for her book (A Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin, I highly recommend) and read the rest of the way home, ignoring SI altogether. She could tell this was disturbing to SI as she could see her from the corner of her eye, and then SI got off the bus a full twelve blocks early! Interesting. I wonder how SI could think that BH would want to converse with her after being thoroughly bitched at for more than a half hour over nothing?
Until/unless we get an apology from SI, am determined to just pretend they don't exist. See, it's all about Image to them. They are fit, attractive (by their own standards, not so much mine), moneyed (SI's Mom is loaded apparently), childless, social drinking, etc. etc. We are not fit, attractive in our own ways (but not theirs), modest living, with child, don't drink, etc etc. This makes us Uncool. We were at least semi-Cool being all gay and everything but then we had to go blow it by saddling ourselves with a baby. It just tipped the scale from its tenuous Neutral balance.
Plus am irritated by SI's power play. She would like us to think that she is very powerful and BH really pissed her off by not buying into it. BH is maddeningly reasonable and very quick, would make excellent lawyer, and there's nothing more annoying to emotionally reactive individual than someone blandly pointing out flaws in argument. (Ask me how I know this...) SI and MI are really into their own sense of power and it's been interesting to see how it all works, or doesn't, in the face of someone who won't back down and kiss their collective ass, i.e. BH. She done me right proud...
To further irritate evil neighbors, we are looking in to having walnut tree removed from back yard. We have been talking about doing so for some time so it's not like we are doing it just to annoy them; that's just an added bonus. The tree spews crap into the yard three seasons out of the year, the dog eats the nuts and vomits them onto the rug, (or worse, farts like a rhino), etc etc. I'm looking forward to witnessing the inevitable temper tantrum from SI when she sees the tree coming down... it shades their yard quite nicely in the afternoons, how dare we have it cut down! Don't we realize it's all about them?! Plus she told me once that "you don't just remove healthy plants" when I told her we were thinking of taking out an evergreen shrub that borders their driveway. Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the Sierra Club. We want to re-do the back yard in sort of a quasi zen thing, lots of grasses and trees, not so much flowers, and this stupid walnut tree just won't fit. Not that I'm in favor of just yanking things out willy-nilly but honestly, it makes the yard unliveable by killing the grass with its tassels, leaves, nuts and hulls. You can't walk barefoot out there in any event. I'd like a nice place for FI to play, and it's not going to be under that damn tree.
So, that ought to be amusing. Maybe I'll take pictures. At least pop some popcorn and get an icy cold beverage, set up a chair to watch the fun.
Well, should get going. Am up now for no good reason, think it was diet soda, lot of caffeine for me this late. Should have thought of that. Told self only to stay up one hour, or else will be sleep deprived and crabby tomorrow. As opposed to usual crabbiness-for-no-reason.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Sunday
Having semi-relaxing day, went to grocery store earlier and purchased many items, baby only screamy on way home -- some small miracle! May attempt ironing shortly, baby currently snoozing but that won't last -- should stop blogging and get working.
Had interesting experience this evening involving run to bathroom, followed by washing of trousers... not sure what set that off. All was seemingly well and suddenly it was not. Hmm. Didn't eat anything too bizarre... Hopefully will run its course and leave me the hell alone.
Have had many discussions with Stick Insect (and occasionally her husband, Musclebound Idiot) in my head over past few days. Still boils down to, "Kiss my shiny metal ass." In fact, have taken to flipping their house the bird whenever convenient, though not in view of anyone, esp. them. Am determined never to wave or smile at them again, will just become Ice Queen and ignore them completely.
We talk of moving to some property -- BH wants large garden, I want a horse, etc. There is much debate about pros and cons. Think eventually the move will occur, and have only semi-jokingly suggested we put house on market as soon as Evil Neighbors sell their house (because we are "forcing them to move" and have "ruined their dream" by having the barkingest damn dogs you ever saw, you see) but before they actually move out. This would accentuate the burn, you see, and fully illustrate our loathing of them and lack of consideration for them as humans. And what could be better than that, I ask you, Gentle Reader?
BH considering retaliation by turning them in to city for not having gotten permits for any of the structural home improvements they have done -- could cost them up to five grand between permits and penalties -- but will wisely wait some weeks before doing so to avoid suspicion, and will do so anonymously in any event. Am concerned a bit about Karmic Repercussions but then again, SI's bitch session could be considered leading event, so perhaps Karmic Repercussion is hers and hers alone... This is the sort of thing that happens to snobbish, bitchy neighbors, after all. Nobody sics the city on friendly, nice neighbors.
SI has been acting very strangely toward us since baby arrived, not even offering congrats really and totally disinterested in seeing baby (whereas was quite friendly to neighbors on other side, and their small children, until they moved away) -- and prim, smug manner in which she announces "We've decided not to have children, to avoid contributing to the overpopulation of the earth," causes me to wonder if she really does want to have children and MI has talked her out of it, or if she has something against us for procreating despite being gay, or what the deal is. Maybe she was just PMS'ing (as my mother suggests). Maybe living with MI is getting to her. Seriously, I can hardly stand living next door to him sometimes, imagine even having to share a bathroom with him... Ugh.
Well, back to the salt mines. Tomorrow is WI (Weigh-In) day at Fat Losers, am curious to see if any fat has indeed been lost. Have kept scrupulously within points level and not even used any Flexpoints; motivation remains high. Idea of entering triathlon someday intriguing, plus want to be fit, healthy mom and not embarrassing fat mom for baby. And want family photos that do not cause wincing and shame...
Had interesting experience this evening involving run to bathroom, followed by washing of trousers... not sure what set that off. All was seemingly well and suddenly it was not. Hmm. Didn't eat anything too bizarre... Hopefully will run its course and leave me the hell alone.
Have had many discussions with Stick Insect (and occasionally her husband, Musclebound Idiot) in my head over past few days. Still boils down to, "Kiss my shiny metal ass." In fact, have taken to flipping their house the bird whenever convenient, though not in view of anyone, esp. them. Am determined never to wave or smile at them again, will just become Ice Queen and ignore them completely.
We talk of moving to some property -- BH wants large garden, I want a horse, etc. There is much debate about pros and cons. Think eventually the move will occur, and have only semi-jokingly suggested we put house on market as soon as Evil Neighbors sell their house (because we are "forcing them to move" and have "ruined their dream" by having the barkingest damn dogs you ever saw, you see) but before they actually move out. This would accentuate the burn, you see, and fully illustrate our loathing of them and lack of consideration for them as humans. And what could be better than that, I ask you, Gentle Reader?
BH considering retaliation by turning them in to city for not having gotten permits for any of the structural home improvements they have done -- could cost them up to five grand between permits and penalties -- but will wisely wait some weeks before doing so to avoid suspicion, and will do so anonymously in any event. Am concerned a bit about Karmic Repercussions but then again, SI's bitch session could be considered leading event, so perhaps Karmic Repercussion is hers and hers alone... This is the sort of thing that happens to snobbish, bitchy neighbors, after all. Nobody sics the city on friendly, nice neighbors.
SI has been acting very strangely toward us since baby arrived, not even offering congrats really and totally disinterested in seeing baby (whereas was quite friendly to neighbors on other side, and their small children, until they moved away) -- and prim, smug manner in which she announces "We've decided not to have children, to avoid contributing to the overpopulation of the earth," causes me to wonder if she really does want to have children and MI has talked her out of it, or if she has something against us for procreating despite being gay, or what the deal is. Maybe she was just PMS'ing (as my mother suggests). Maybe living with MI is getting to her. Seriously, I can hardly stand living next door to him sometimes, imagine even having to share a bathroom with him... Ugh.
Well, back to the salt mines. Tomorrow is WI (Weigh-In) day at Fat Losers, am curious to see if any fat has indeed been lost. Have kept scrupulously within points level and not even used any Flexpoints; motivation remains high. Idea of entering triathlon someday intriguing, plus want to be fit, healthy mom and not embarrassing fat mom for baby. And want family photos that do not cause wincing and shame...
Friday, July 23, 2004
Friday!
At last! Have saddled BH with FI for a short time. Think she lacks confidence in her ability to soothe the little screamer -- it can be done by persons other than myself, unless of course the problem is food-related; have not yet mastered the art of detaching my breasts and leaving them behind while I run errands or join the circus or whatever.
FI smiles a lot more now, and today when we were in the coffee shop getting our lattes before the heat gets unbearable (today's forecast: high of 102 degrees! It doesn't get this hot here! Thank heavens we got the a/c....), she was sitting in her stroller and not screaming -- not only not screaming, but actually smiling in response to BH's talking to her! Of course, there was intermittent caterwauling on the way home, but it wasn't so bad, and O the Joy of taking her places and not having to grip her sweaty little body next to yours... I love the stroller. The stroller rocks.
She is also starting to take a real interest in toys, and can get her fists into her mouth with shocking regularity, though not always when she wants to just yet.
Our neighbor made a snide comment over the fence to BH last night, prompting a bitch session on the porch when BH went over and confronted her. Evidently our dogs are horrible, they bark constantly, etc. Funny how we have never heard a complaint from anyone else... while we have had angry folk come to our door asking if that was our dog barking all night, when it belonged in fact to the neighbor in question... so, Stick Insect neighbor, you may kiss my Shiny Metal Behind. So there!
That is all.
FI smiles a lot more now, and today when we were in the coffee shop getting our lattes before the heat gets unbearable (today's forecast: high of 102 degrees! It doesn't get this hot here! Thank heavens we got the a/c....), she was sitting in her stroller and not screaming -- not only not screaming, but actually smiling in response to BH's talking to her! Of course, there was intermittent caterwauling on the way home, but it wasn't so bad, and O the Joy of taking her places and not having to grip her sweaty little body next to yours... I love the stroller. The stroller rocks.
She is also starting to take a real interest in toys, and can get her fists into her mouth with shocking regularity, though not always when she wants to just yet.
Our neighbor made a snide comment over the fence to BH last night, prompting a bitch session on the porch when BH went over and confronted her. Evidently our dogs are horrible, they bark constantly, etc. Funny how we have never heard a complaint from anyone else... while we have had angry folk come to our door asking if that was our dog barking all night, when it belonged in fact to the neighbor in question... so, Stick Insect neighbor, you may kiss my Shiny Metal Behind. So there!
That is all.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Progress!
I count this as a good day, as Her Majesty is upstairs snoozing away, giving me a few precious minutes to blog, do laundry, listen to myself breathe in and out, whatever.
She will now consent to ride in the stroller -- provided that she is in the proper mood, and must be sitting Bolt Upright At All Times. You can sneak the seat into the semi-recline position once she drops off to sleep, but beware! Don't try it one second too early, and don't f*** it up and jostle her!
So of course I overdid it yesterday, her first day out in the stroller, and we walked something like 2.5 miles in the blazing sun. By some miracle neither of us got burned. My feet were a bit tender on return to domicile but they are fine today. We went for another walk of about one mile this morning before it got too horrible out (supposed to be in mid 90's today, and maybe even 100 tomorrow! Sheesh!).
Can't get the book Slow Fat Triathlete out of my mind, about a woman who participates in athletic events (namely Triathlons, you might have guessed that by the title) despite being slow and fat. I guess the title pretty much sums it up come to think about it.
Now, my feet are better suited for a penguin than a human, flat and paddle shaped as they are, and they aren't particularly adept at the weight-bearing that they were meant for. So the running part of a triathlon would kind of suck for me. But I think that if I lost the extra weight I'm carrying around, they would not hurt so much and I probably could run without wishing I was dead the next day.
As for swimming and biking, well, I can currently do both of those things, or could if I had time, which I will start having more time once the baby is a little less screamy and could be watched briefly by the neighbor while Mama hits the streets or the pool or whatever. Lucky thing there's a pool only about a mile from home! I hesitate to suggest that I go do these things in the evenings as BH and I have little enough time together as it is, and what time we have seems to race by between dinner and dandling the baby, and suddenly it's bedtime and we aren't ready anyway. So it's probably foolish to think that I could carve out time to swim or bike after work hours at this point. Maybe I could get one of those bike trailers and haul FI around behind me... that'd add to my workout, I mean she's ten pounds of dead weight, plus the trailer... Pluse she's only going to get bigger and therefore continue to enhance the situation. It's a win-win!
So maybe I will shoot for entering a sporting event of some kind, some piddly local triathlon, by the time I've lost half the excess weight. This gives me plenty of time.
Fat Loser update: so far, not having any trouble staying within points range. This is doubtless due to the extra points you get for breastfeeding. Plus I have been earning some extras with all the walking, but I am not really using all of them so that's cool. And I have not touched the Flex points! So might splurge and have some kind of tasty treat on the weekend.
As predicted, BH having a harder time, but this is in part due to eating lunch out a lot, and the temptation of having a Starbucks downstairs from her office. I have to walk a mile to get a latte. She can ride the elevator down 7 floors... But she will make it. I have faith.
I have tried to get my sh*t together before, you know, eat well, get exercise, etc. but for some reason this time it feels more like I'll make it. I'm feeling that way about a lot of things. Like all the talk we've been engaging in about goals and dreams. I think we will get a lot more done with our lives, whether it's home improvement or personal growth or whatever. I think having the baby sort of galvanized our will about it. I don't want to be a fat, lazy Mom who never does anything. I want FI to know that she can do anything. And I want her to know that life is fun. And I think BH feels the same way.
She will now consent to ride in the stroller -- provided that she is in the proper mood, and must be sitting Bolt Upright At All Times. You can sneak the seat into the semi-recline position once she drops off to sleep, but beware! Don't try it one second too early, and don't f*** it up and jostle her!
So of course I overdid it yesterday, her first day out in the stroller, and we walked something like 2.5 miles in the blazing sun. By some miracle neither of us got burned. My feet were a bit tender on return to domicile but they are fine today. We went for another walk of about one mile this morning before it got too horrible out (supposed to be in mid 90's today, and maybe even 100 tomorrow! Sheesh!).
Can't get the book Slow Fat Triathlete out of my mind, about a woman who participates in athletic events (namely Triathlons, you might have guessed that by the title) despite being slow and fat. I guess the title pretty much sums it up come to think about it.
Now, my feet are better suited for a penguin than a human, flat and paddle shaped as they are, and they aren't particularly adept at the weight-bearing that they were meant for. So the running part of a triathlon would kind of suck for me. But I think that if I lost the extra weight I'm carrying around, they would not hurt so much and I probably could run without wishing I was dead the next day.
As for swimming and biking, well, I can currently do both of those things, or could if I had time, which I will start having more time once the baby is a little less screamy and could be watched briefly by the neighbor while Mama hits the streets or the pool or whatever. Lucky thing there's a pool only about a mile from home! I hesitate to suggest that I go do these things in the evenings as BH and I have little enough time together as it is, and what time we have seems to race by between dinner and dandling the baby, and suddenly it's bedtime and we aren't ready anyway. So it's probably foolish to think that I could carve out time to swim or bike after work hours at this point. Maybe I could get one of those bike trailers and haul FI around behind me... that'd add to my workout, I mean she's ten pounds of dead weight, plus the trailer... Pluse she's only going to get bigger and therefore continue to enhance the situation. It's a win-win!
So maybe I will shoot for entering a sporting event of some kind, some piddly local triathlon, by the time I've lost half the excess weight. This gives me plenty of time.
Fat Loser update: so far, not having any trouble staying within points range. This is doubtless due to the extra points you get for breastfeeding. Plus I have been earning some extras with all the walking, but I am not really using all of them so that's cool. And I have not touched the Flex points! So might splurge and have some kind of tasty treat on the weekend.
As predicted, BH having a harder time, but this is in part due to eating lunch out a lot, and the temptation of having a Starbucks downstairs from her office. I have to walk a mile to get a latte. She can ride the elevator down 7 floors... But she will make it. I have faith.
I have tried to get my sh*t together before, you know, eat well, get exercise, etc. but for some reason this time it feels more like I'll make it. I'm feeling that way about a lot of things. Like all the talk we've been engaging in about goals and dreams. I think we will get a lot more done with our lives, whether it's home improvement or personal growth or whatever. I think having the baby sort of galvanized our will about it. I don't want to be a fat, lazy Mom who never does anything. I want FI to know that she can do anything. And I want her to know that life is fun. And I think BH feels the same way.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Fat Losers
Returned to Fat Losers, I mean Weight Watchers, yesterday. ("Hi, my name is Debra and I'm a Fat Loser!") Am already at pre-baby weight (which ain't saying much) so that's at least good -- don't have to lose to get back to where I was. It's all progress from here! And since I am breastfeeding I get extra points, woo hoo!
BH trying to lose alongside me but personally I think she's going to have a tougher time resisting cookies and stuff at work -- going to meetings gives you some added incentive: weekly date with the scale, listening to the struggles of others, etc. And let's face it, who doesn't like to hear that some other schlub is having more trouble than you are keeping away from fatty treats? And there's always some who need to lose more than you, and others who are almost at their goal, so there's always people to feel superior to/envy.
But, since I won't be bringing the aforementioned fatty treats into the house, and we'll be eating better meals when we're together, she ought to maybe lose some weight. Plus since the appearance of FI, we go on walks every day, partly in an effort to stop the screaming.
Last night FI wouldn't settle down in her Snugli so we just carried her the long, hot hike to the coffee shop (2 percent decaf vanilla latte only about 6 points!) and she grooved on it. She likes to see where she is going, even at 2 months. Can't wait til she will sit in the stroller; so far she screams like we are torturing her if we set her in it for even one second.
Currently I am at risk of losing any Mother of the Year nominations; FI is upstairs slumbering peacefully in her swing... I have a monitor going and all that, but it's hard to feel good about leaving her in the swing for very long. But it's one of the few places she'll sleep during the day! Except in your arms and very occasionally in the bed, if the planets are all aligned and you're holding your teeth just right or whatever.
Ah well, better go assuage my feelings of guilt and maternal incompetence. :)
BH trying to lose alongside me but personally I think she's going to have a tougher time resisting cookies and stuff at work -- going to meetings gives you some added incentive: weekly date with the scale, listening to the struggles of others, etc. And let's face it, who doesn't like to hear that some other schlub is having more trouble than you are keeping away from fatty treats? And there's always some who need to lose more than you, and others who are almost at their goal, so there's always people to feel superior to/envy.
But, since I won't be bringing the aforementioned fatty treats into the house, and we'll be eating better meals when we're together, she ought to maybe lose some weight. Plus since the appearance of FI, we go on walks every day, partly in an effort to stop the screaming.
Last night FI wouldn't settle down in her Snugli so we just carried her the long, hot hike to the coffee shop (2 percent decaf vanilla latte only about 6 points!) and she grooved on it. She likes to see where she is going, even at 2 months. Can't wait til she will sit in the stroller; so far she screams like we are torturing her if we set her in it for even one second.
Currently I am at risk of losing any Mother of the Year nominations; FI is upstairs slumbering peacefully in her swing... I have a monitor going and all that, but it's hard to feel good about leaving her in the swing for very long. But it's one of the few places she'll sleep during the day! Except in your arms and very occasionally in the bed, if the planets are all aligned and you're holding your teeth just right or whatever.
Ah well, better go assuage my feelings of guilt and maternal incompetence. :)
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Screaminess
Baby insists on screaming inconsolably for hours in the evenings lately, and it makes no difference whether she has had a quiet day at home or a more complicated day of outings. Yesterday she napped quite a bit and was screamy at night. Today she didn't nap so much as we were out part of the day, and she is screamy once again.
Sigh.
Add to life goals list: learn to play guitar and/or piano. We have both. We also have French horn but just not going there. Not so much demand for French horn players around the campfire etc. etc.
Must go rescue poor BH from yowling offspring.
Sigh.
Add to life goals list: learn to play guitar and/or piano. We have both. We also have French horn but just not going there. Not so much demand for French horn players around the campfire etc. etc.
Must go rescue poor BH from yowling offspring.
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