Thursday, August 05, 2004

Midnight Oil

It's 4am and I am wide awake. Thought I'd do some laundry rather than toss and turn and irritate offspring and spouse...

Going to an Attachment Parenting play group today. Need very much to meet some other parents of infants... and would like to be a good parent. Rather afraid my hot temper will get me in trouble with baby, don't want to be snappish horrible shrew and cause child(ren) to hate me in my old age. Or young age for that matter. Have already become more patient; find self not getting quite so angry at baby when she screams but rather talk gently to her and hold her even closer. This in part due to spouse who is the very soul of patience most of the time. Also when mercury rises see headlines running through mind about terrible things parents do to their kids and recoil in horror at thought of generating such a headline myself. No baby deserves such a thing. Breaks my heart to think of it...

2 comments:

Cate said...

Hi Impetua.

Hang in there girl. It won't be like this forever. Infancy is too long to act like it's a crisis, but too short to make any long-term modifications to cope with it. You just get through day by day. FI will become less fractious as time goes on--that is, until she becomes fractious toddler, but you have time to recover before then. :)

Take care of yourself. You are NOT a bad mom for using TV therapy. That's therapy for you, not for her, and IMO, if you remember that fact, you will never overuse it. If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy, and that is something to take to heart. Put the oxygen mask over YOUR face first, because if you're passed out, you can't put it on baby's face, can you? Not meeting minimum requirements for spousal specialness is COMPLETELY NORMAL with a new baby in the house, much less a high-needs one!

I hope the AP meeting goes well today, but just in case you come home feeling like you just finished last in the perfection olympics (ask me how I know), don't worry, you're fine, smugness will have its day, and meanwhile, continue your search for people who are willing to be honest about what it's like. In addition to API, there's LLL and also many hospitals have new-moms' support groups, which is especially good because you can meet moms with babies *the same age*.

Hang in there. This too shall pass. I'm glad FI does well in the stroller--it seems like she likes getting out of the house, no?

Hugs. You're doing fine. Like I said, take care of yourself. And if you are concerned about thoughts/feelings that are difficult, check out this screener and this resource guid to see if you should seek more help.

This too shall pass...say it with me...

Impetua said...

Thanks, Cate... I think it's going okay for the most part, I get very frustrated sometimes but then get over it and fall into this kind of zen thing... I think I got so angry once or twice that I frightened myself a little, felt not so much like I *was* losing control but that "this is what it must feel like before you lose control" and then just switched off, realized I couldn't get angry at a baby, especially this one, and took a minute to get focused again. Being angry is sort of a bad habit for me.

I did go to the AP group and there were two women there with babies close to FI's age -- she's 2 months, their babies were both 3 months. And both of them said that their babies were high maintenance too! And that it gets easier. I did have some feelings of inadequacy, but they were nicely tempered by senseless pride. FI can hold her head up and has since birth; the other infants were like tiny little mushballs in comparison. (Take that, smug Attached Parenters! Feel the sting of the comparison lash!!! Muwahahaha!)