Thursday, July 15, 2004

Things ain't so bad.

Just had a hard night, that's all. Woke up at 3am with an eyeball-shooter headache, which some ibuprofen took care of pretty well.

Baby is in a growth spurt which means constant nursing, near-constant sleeping, and screaming in between. This morning she was all cookies and sunshine when she saw her mobile above the changing table, which makes it all worthwhile. She was just super screamy last night, wildcat screamy, and finally after trying every other option we had to just let her scream in her crib for a few minutes without trying to calm her -- easily the most torturous experience for me ever -- and when I picked her up she calmed right down and we got to bed about an hour later.

It breaks my heart when she cries like that -- she's so little -- to feel such despair when you're so tiny, it just hurts me to see. I guess I'd better toughen up a little, on the outside at least; I don't want her to have to deal with her mother falling apart every time she's having a hard time. I want to be strong for her, not a big sobby mushball.

In other less emotionally wracking news, am driving down to Salem (about one hour away) to drop something off at friend Monica's, then have lunch with my Mom. Hoping the drive isn't punctuated by constant wildcat screaming. I know it's far safer to have the baby seat in the back seat, which is of course where it is, because we are sensible law-abiding citizens, but it sure sucks not to be able to calm her if I'm driving alone.

Am thinking of what I will do with myself should I ever have the opportunity to further education. Thinking Master's in Spanish with minor in Russian as is offered here at local University.

BH and I had discussion about what we want to be when we grow up, so to speak. Have many goals that I have fallen short of over the years, due to seemingly congenital fear of success, or lack of confidence -- belief that I cannot attain goals, i.e. "Can't possibly learn Spanish or Russian fluently" despite evident talent in languages. BH and I agree that it would be good for us both to pick an attainable goal and Just Do It.

In that vein, have chosen the following:
1. Rejoin Fat Losers (Weight Watchers), learn/practice good eating skills, and eventually get to ideal weight. Friend Ann has become inspiration, she has lost 60 lbs and looks/feels fabulous. Want to be healthy Mom for Delia so she is healthy too.
2. Aforementioned Master's degree, eventually
3. Hone calligraphy skills to the point that I can make things for people, not commercially but as gifts/favors
4. Scrapbook for Delia and for myself -- have needed items for most part, just intimidated by seemingly professional examples in books and magazines.

Add these to usual goals for self, i.e. become more mature, less emotionally reactive, floss daily, give to charity, etc. and think someday I may be self-actualized and fulfilled.

Though having gorgeous, sweet baby (despite screaminess which I am assured will pass) is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done.

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