Disappearing Goldfish and Cherries

Okay. Three goldfish languishing in sadly neglected downstairs (basement) fishtank. Lumpy, the Other One, and the Other Other One. Lumpy has bizarre growth on back ("dorsal area" in fish geek talk)so is easily identified, but the other two are generic orange fish. Quite attractive, but utterly generic.

A couple of days ago noticed that there were now only two fish in tank. Where did third one go? Nobody knew... Wasn't floating belly up, not pinned behind the heating element, just no damn where in sight. No signs of foul play, no evidence of a struggle. A Mystery.

Cut to yesterday when had a few minutes and got sudden wild hair to clean up sad fishtank, starting with algae-encrusted decorative figures contained therein -- lovely faux stone arch festooned with faux stone gargoyle statues, and similar faux stone column featuring faux stone gargoyle statue peeking coyly around it. Hideous, yet compelling. (Stop snickering! You'd have the same if only your good taste wouldn't get in the way.)

Placed column in large pitcher and began scrubbing it in kitchen sink. All was going swimmingly, so to speak until picked the column up -- and flashed on rotting corpse of whichever Other goldfish had shuffled off this mortal coil and was now floating in bottom of pitcher. Evidently it was contained within hollow decorative column which had tipped on its side in the tank some time ago. Eeeeeuw...

Really, Eeeeeuw doesn't begin to describe reaction. Being alone in house apart from assorted pets and sleeping month-old infant, went into full-on Heebie-Jeebie mode and spent some serious time gibbering around the kitchen before could get control of self. Didn't help things much when later, while recounting gory tale to BH over the phone, happened upon massive spider's nest in Bio-Wheel portion of tank filter system. Mistakenly thought nest was empty owing to fact that it had hole in it. Sadly, this not the case. Rinsed bulbous, flesh-colored corpse of Very Large Disgusting Bloated Mother Spider out of same. Recoiled in horror and resumed gibbering, but quietly as was on phone.

No more wild hairs. Next time hiring it done.

As for cherries. Well. Have two small cherry trees in side yard, both of which produced admirable crops this year. Surprising in that only just planted them last year. Been meaning to get out there and harvest, but 90 degree heat plus nursing aforementioned infant sort of precluded that sort of thing. Plus quite lazy.

Noticed this morning that a) some branches in lower parts of trees are broken off and dangling, and b) cherries from lower parts of trees are missing. Moments later determined that hundred pound bundle of nervous, stupid love, floppy-eared brown Doberman, Bosco, is probably culprit. Watched same dog eat blackberries off vines in back yard last year, and watched other two dogs follow suit after observing him in action. No wonder he's been farting like a rhinoceros. Must look into air freshening device that can be worn dangling from stubby little tail.