Went to see nephew Tom-Tom's soccer game this evening. He is four. Soccer for four year olds consists of three players from each team on a tiny little field, kicking each other in lieu of the ball, wandering off, tipping over for no apparent reason, and occasionally propelling a soccer ball in the direction of a goal, sometimes even the correct one. Each game lasts twenty minutes and is completely hilarious. The little kids remind me of those baby sea turtles that hatch and then flail like hell toward the water...
FI even managed to maintain her composure for pretty much the whole time, and for a brief stint at Dairy Queen afterward (at which Yours Truly was good and had a diet soda, and only a couple bites off BH's dipped cone). There was a certain amount of squalling on the way home but it couldn't be helped; she was hungry and tired. I knew the feeling.
BH had a run-in with evil Stick Insect neighbor, a round of "bus chicken" in which they found themselves on the same bus home from downtown. (SI attends the local university, courtesy Mummy's checkbook) SI evidently said a somewhat cheery Hello and seemed to expect lively neighborly banter. BH replied with a polite Hi and then proceeded to rummage in backpack for her book (A Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin, I highly recommend) and read the rest of the way home, ignoring SI altogether. She could tell this was disturbing to SI as she could see her from the corner of her eye, and then SI got off the bus a full twelve blocks early! Interesting. I wonder how SI could think that BH would want to converse with her after being thoroughly bitched at for more than a half hour over nothing?
Until/unless we get an apology from SI, am determined to just pretend they don't exist. See, it's all about Image to them. They are fit, attractive (by their own standards, not so much mine), moneyed (SI's Mom is loaded apparently), childless, social drinking, etc. etc. We are not fit, attractive in our own ways (but not theirs), modest living, with child, don't drink, etc etc. This makes us Uncool. We were at least semi-Cool being all gay and everything but then we had to go blow it by saddling ourselves with a baby. It just tipped the scale from its tenuous Neutral balance.
Plus am irritated by SI's power play. She would like us to think that she is very powerful and BH really pissed her off by not buying into it. BH is maddeningly reasonable and very quick, would make excellent lawyer, and there's nothing more annoying to emotionally reactive individual than someone blandly pointing out flaws in argument. (Ask me how I know this...) SI and MI are really into their own sense of power and it's been interesting to see how it all works, or doesn't, in the face of someone who won't back down and kiss their collective ass, i.e. BH. She done me right proud...
To further irritate evil neighbors, we are looking in to having walnut tree removed from back yard. We have been talking about doing so for some time so it's not like we are doing it just to annoy them; that's just an added bonus. The tree spews crap into the yard three seasons out of the year, the dog eats the nuts and vomits them onto the rug, (or worse, farts like a rhino), etc etc. I'm looking forward to witnessing the inevitable temper tantrum from SI when she sees the tree coming down... it shades their yard quite nicely in the afternoons, how dare we have it cut down! Don't we realize it's all about them?! Plus she told me once that "you don't just remove healthy plants" when I told her we were thinking of taking out an evergreen shrub that borders their driveway. Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the Sierra Club. We want to re-do the back yard in sort of a quasi zen thing, lots of grasses and trees, not so much flowers, and this stupid walnut tree just won't fit. Not that I'm in favor of just yanking things out willy-nilly but honestly, it makes the yard unliveable by killing the grass with its tassels, leaves, nuts and hulls. You can't walk barefoot out there in any event. I'd like a nice place for FI to play, and it's not going to be under that damn tree.
So, that ought to be amusing. Maybe I'll take pictures. At least pop some popcorn and get an icy cold beverage, set up a chair to watch the fun.
Well, should get going. Am up now for no good reason, think it was diet soda, lot of caffeine for me this late. Should have thought of that. Told self only to stay up one hour, or else will be sleep deprived and crabby tomorrow. As opposed to usual crabbiness-for-no-reason.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Sunday
Having semi-relaxing day, went to grocery store earlier and purchased many items, baby only screamy on way home -- some small miracle! May attempt ironing shortly, baby currently snoozing but that won't last -- should stop blogging and get working.
Had interesting experience this evening involving run to bathroom, followed by washing of trousers... not sure what set that off. All was seemingly well and suddenly it was not. Hmm. Didn't eat anything too bizarre... Hopefully will run its course and leave me the hell alone.
Have had many discussions with Stick Insect (and occasionally her husband, Musclebound Idiot) in my head over past few days. Still boils down to, "Kiss my shiny metal ass." In fact, have taken to flipping their house the bird whenever convenient, though not in view of anyone, esp. them. Am determined never to wave or smile at them again, will just become Ice Queen and ignore them completely.
We talk of moving to some property -- BH wants large garden, I want a horse, etc. There is much debate about pros and cons. Think eventually the move will occur, and have only semi-jokingly suggested we put house on market as soon as Evil Neighbors sell their house (because we are "forcing them to move" and have "ruined their dream" by having the barkingest damn dogs you ever saw, you see) but before they actually move out. This would accentuate the burn, you see, and fully illustrate our loathing of them and lack of consideration for them as humans. And what could be better than that, I ask you, Gentle Reader?
BH considering retaliation by turning them in to city for not having gotten permits for any of the structural home improvements they have done -- could cost them up to five grand between permits and penalties -- but will wisely wait some weeks before doing so to avoid suspicion, and will do so anonymously in any event. Am concerned a bit about Karmic Repercussions but then again, SI's bitch session could be considered leading event, so perhaps Karmic Repercussion is hers and hers alone... This is the sort of thing that happens to snobbish, bitchy neighbors, after all. Nobody sics the city on friendly, nice neighbors.
SI has been acting very strangely toward us since baby arrived, not even offering congrats really and totally disinterested in seeing baby (whereas was quite friendly to neighbors on other side, and their small children, until they moved away) -- and prim, smug manner in which she announces "We've decided not to have children, to avoid contributing to the overpopulation of the earth," causes me to wonder if she really does want to have children and MI has talked her out of it, or if she has something against us for procreating despite being gay, or what the deal is. Maybe she was just PMS'ing (as my mother suggests). Maybe living with MI is getting to her. Seriously, I can hardly stand living next door to him sometimes, imagine even having to share a bathroom with him... Ugh.
Well, back to the salt mines. Tomorrow is WI (Weigh-In) day at Fat Losers, am curious to see if any fat has indeed been lost. Have kept scrupulously within points level and not even used any Flexpoints; motivation remains high. Idea of entering triathlon someday intriguing, plus want to be fit, healthy mom and not embarrassing fat mom for baby. And want family photos that do not cause wincing and shame...
Had interesting experience this evening involving run to bathroom, followed by washing of trousers... not sure what set that off. All was seemingly well and suddenly it was not. Hmm. Didn't eat anything too bizarre... Hopefully will run its course and leave me the hell alone.
Have had many discussions with Stick Insect (and occasionally her husband, Musclebound Idiot) in my head over past few days. Still boils down to, "Kiss my shiny metal ass." In fact, have taken to flipping their house the bird whenever convenient, though not in view of anyone, esp. them. Am determined never to wave or smile at them again, will just become Ice Queen and ignore them completely.
We talk of moving to some property -- BH wants large garden, I want a horse, etc. There is much debate about pros and cons. Think eventually the move will occur, and have only semi-jokingly suggested we put house on market as soon as Evil Neighbors sell their house (because we are "forcing them to move" and have "ruined their dream" by having the barkingest damn dogs you ever saw, you see) but before they actually move out. This would accentuate the burn, you see, and fully illustrate our loathing of them and lack of consideration for them as humans. And what could be better than that, I ask you, Gentle Reader?
BH considering retaliation by turning them in to city for not having gotten permits for any of the structural home improvements they have done -- could cost them up to five grand between permits and penalties -- but will wisely wait some weeks before doing so to avoid suspicion, and will do so anonymously in any event. Am concerned a bit about Karmic Repercussions but then again, SI's bitch session could be considered leading event, so perhaps Karmic Repercussion is hers and hers alone... This is the sort of thing that happens to snobbish, bitchy neighbors, after all. Nobody sics the city on friendly, nice neighbors.
SI has been acting very strangely toward us since baby arrived, not even offering congrats really and totally disinterested in seeing baby (whereas was quite friendly to neighbors on other side, and their small children, until they moved away) -- and prim, smug manner in which she announces "We've decided not to have children, to avoid contributing to the overpopulation of the earth," causes me to wonder if she really does want to have children and MI has talked her out of it, or if she has something against us for procreating despite being gay, or what the deal is. Maybe she was just PMS'ing (as my mother suggests). Maybe living with MI is getting to her. Seriously, I can hardly stand living next door to him sometimes, imagine even having to share a bathroom with him... Ugh.
Well, back to the salt mines. Tomorrow is WI (Weigh-In) day at Fat Losers, am curious to see if any fat has indeed been lost. Have kept scrupulously within points level and not even used any Flexpoints; motivation remains high. Idea of entering triathlon someday intriguing, plus want to be fit, healthy mom and not embarrassing fat mom for baby. And want family photos that do not cause wincing and shame...
Friday, July 23, 2004
Friday!
At last! Have saddled BH with FI for a short time. Think she lacks confidence in her ability to soothe the little screamer -- it can be done by persons other than myself, unless of course the problem is food-related; have not yet mastered the art of detaching my breasts and leaving them behind while I run errands or join the circus or whatever.
FI smiles a lot more now, and today when we were in the coffee shop getting our lattes before the heat gets unbearable (today's forecast: high of 102 degrees! It doesn't get this hot here! Thank heavens we got the a/c....), she was sitting in her stroller and not screaming -- not only not screaming, but actually smiling in response to BH's talking to her! Of course, there was intermittent caterwauling on the way home, but it wasn't so bad, and O the Joy of taking her places and not having to grip her sweaty little body next to yours... I love the stroller. The stroller rocks.
She is also starting to take a real interest in toys, and can get her fists into her mouth with shocking regularity, though not always when she wants to just yet.
Our neighbor made a snide comment over the fence to BH last night, prompting a bitch session on the porch when BH went over and confronted her. Evidently our dogs are horrible, they bark constantly, etc. Funny how we have never heard a complaint from anyone else... while we have had angry folk come to our door asking if that was our dog barking all night, when it belonged in fact to the neighbor in question... so, Stick Insect neighbor, you may kiss my Shiny Metal Behind. So there!
That is all.
FI smiles a lot more now, and today when we were in the coffee shop getting our lattes before the heat gets unbearable (today's forecast: high of 102 degrees! It doesn't get this hot here! Thank heavens we got the a/c....), she was sitting in her stroller and not screaming -- not only not screaming, but actually smiling in response to BH's talking to her! Of course, there was intermittent caterwauling on the way home, but it wasn't so bad, and O the Joy of taking her places and not having to grip her sweaty little body next to yours... I love the stroller. The stroller rocks.
She is also starting to take a real interest in toys, and can get her fists into her mouth with shocking regularity, though not always when she wants to just yet.
Our neighbor made a snide comment over the fence to BH last night, prompting a bitch session on the porch when BH went over and confronted her. Evidently our dogs are horrible, they bark constantly, etc. Funny how we have never heard a complaint from anyone else... while we have had angry folk come to our door asking if that was our dog barking all night, when it belonged in fact to the neighbor in question... so, Stick Insect neighbor, you may kiss my Shiny Metal Behind. So there!
That is all.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Progress!
I count this as a good day, as Her Majesty is upstairs snoozing away, giving me a few precious minutes to blog, do laundry, listen to myself breathe in and out, whatever.
She will now consent to ride in the stroller -- provided that she is in the proper mood, and must be sitting Bolt Upright At All Times. You can sneak the seat into the semi-recline position once she drops off to sleep, but beware! Don't try it one second too early, and don't f*** it up and jostle her!
So of course I overdid it yesterday, her first day out in the stroller, and we walked something like 2.5 miles in the blazing sun. By some miracle neither of us got burned. My feet were a bit tender on return to domicile but they are fine today. We went for another walk of about one mile this morning before it got too horrible out (supposed to be in mid 90's today, and maybe even 100 tomorrow! Sheesh!).
Can't get the book Slow Fat Triathlete out of my mind, about a woman who participates in athletic events (namely Triathlons, you might have guessed that by the title) despite being slow and fat. I guess the title pretty much sums it up come to think about it.
Now, my feet are better suited for a penguin than a human, flat and paddle shaped as they are, and they aren't particularly adept at the weight-bearing that they were meant for. So the running part of a triathlon would kind of suck for me. But I think that if I lost the extra weight I'm carrying around, they would not hurt so much and I probably could run without wishing I was dead the next day.
As for swimming and biking, well, I can currently do both of those things, or could if I had time, which I will start having more time once the baby is a little less screamy and could be watched briefly by the neighbor while Mama hits the streets or the pool or whatever. Lucky thing there's a pool only about a mile from home! I hesitate to suggest that I go do these things in the evenings as BH and I have little enough time together as it is, and what time we have seems to race by between dinner and dandling the baby, and suddenly it's bedtime and we aren't ready anyway. So it's probably foolish to think that I could carve out time to swim or bike after work hours at this point. Maybe I could get one of those bike trailers and haul FI around behind me... that'd add to my workout, I mean she's ten pounds of dead weight, plus the trailer... Pluse she's only going to get bigger and therefore continue to enhance the situation. It's a win-win!
So maybe I will shoot for entering a sporting event of some kind, some piddly local triathlon, by the time I've lost half the excess weight. This gives me plenty of time.
Fat Loser update: so far, not having any trouble staying within points range. This is doubtless due to the extra points you get for breastfeeding. Plus I have been earning some extras with all the walking, but I am not really using all of them so that's cool. And I have not touched the Flex points! So might splurge and have some kind of tasty treat on the weekend.
As predicted, BH having a harder time, but this is in part due to eating lunch out a lot, and the temptation of having a Starbucks downstairs from her office. I have to walk a mile to get a latte. She can ride the elevator down 7 floors... But she will make it. I have faith.
I have tried to get my sh*t together before, you know, eat well, get exercise, etc. but for some reason this time it feels more like I'll make it. I'm feeling that way about a lot of things. Like all the talk we've been engaging in about goals and dreams. I think we will get a lot more done with our lives, whether it's home improvement or personal growth or whatever. I think having the baby sort of galvanized our will about it. I don't want to be a fat, lazy Mom who never does anything. I want FI to know that she can do anything. And I want her to know that life is fun. And I think BH feels the same way.
She will now consent to ride in the stroller -- provided that she is in the proper mood, and must be sitting Bolt Upright At All Times. You can sneak the seat into the semi-recline position once she drops off to sleep, but beware! Don't try it one second too early, and don't f*** it up and jostle her!
So of course I overdid it yesterday, her first day out in the stroller, and we walked something like 2.5 miles in the blazing sun. By some miracle neither of us got burned. My feet were a bit tender on return to domicile but they are fine today. We went for another walk of about one mile this morning before it got too horrible out (supposed to be in mid 90's today, and maybe even 100 tomorrow! Sheesh!).
Can't get the book Slow Fat Triathlete out of my mind, about a woman who participates in athletic events (namely Triathlons, you might have guessed that by the title) despite being slow and fat. I guess the title pretty much sums it up come to think about it.
Now, my feet are better suited for a penguin than a human, flat and paddle shaped as they are, and they aren't particularly adept at the weight-bearing that they were meant for. So the running part of a triathlon would kind of suck for me. But I think that if I lost the extra weight I'm carrying around, they would not hurt so much and I probably could run without wishing I was dead the next day.
As for swimming and biking, well, I can currently do both of those things, or could if I had time, which I will start having more time once the baby is a little less screamy and could be watched briefly by the neighbor while Mama hits the streets or the pool or whatever. Lucky thing there's a pool only about a mile from home! I hesitate to suggest that I go do these things in the evenings as BH and I have little enough time together as it is, and what time we have seems to race by between dinner and dandling the baby, and suddenly it's bedtime and we aren't ready anyway. So it's probably foolish to think that I could carve out time to swim or bike after work hours at this point. Maybe I could get one of those bike trailers and haul FI around behind me... that'd add to my workout, I mean she's ten pounds of dead weight, plus the trailer... Pluse she's only going to get bigger and therefore continue to enhance the situation. It's a win-win!
So maybe I will shoot for entering a sporting event of some kind, some piddly local triathlon, by the time I've lost half the excess weight. This gives me plenty of time.
Fat Loser update: so far, not having any trouble staying within points range. This is doubtless due to the extra points you get for breastfeeding. Plus I have been earning some extras with all the walking, but I am not really using all of them so that's cool. And I have not touched the Flex points! So might splurge and have some kind of tasty treat on the weekend.
As predicted, BH having a harder time, but this is in part due to eating lunch out a lot, and the temptation of having a Starbucks downstairs from her office. I have to walk a mile to get a latte. She can ride the elevator down 7 floors... But she will make it. I have faith.
I have tried to get my sh*t together before, you know, eat well, get exercise, etc. but for some reason this time it feels more like I'll make it. I'm feeling that way about a lot of things. Like all the talk we've been engaging in about goals and dreams. I think we will get a lot more done with our lives, whether it's home improvement or personal growth or whatever. I think having the baby sort of galvanized our will about it. I don't want to be a fat, lazy Mom who never does anything. I want FI to know that she can do anything. And I want her to know that life is fun. And I think BH feels the same way.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Fat Losers
Returned to Fat Losers, I mean Weight Watchers, yesterday. ("Hi, my name is Debra and I'm a Fat Loser!") Am already at pre-baby weight (which ain't saying much) so that's at least good -- don't have to lose to get back to where I was. It's all progress from here! And since I am breastfeeding I get extra points, woo hoo!
BH trying to lose alongside me but personally I think she's going to have a tougher time resisting cookies and stuff at work -- going to meetings gives you some added incentive: weekly date with the scale, listening to the struggles of others, etc. And let's face it, who doesn't like to hear that some other schlub is having more trouble than you are keeping away from fatty treats? And there's always some who need to lose more than you, and others who are almost at their goal, so there's always people to feel superior to/envy.
But, since I won't be bringing the aforementioned fatty treats into the house, and we'll be eating better meals when we're together, she ought to maybe lose some weight. Plus since the appearance of FI, we go on walks every day, partly in an effort to stop the screaming.
Last night FI wouldn't settle down in her Snugli so we just carried her the long, hot hike to the coffee shop (2 percent decaf vanilla latte only about 6 points!) and she grooved on it. She likes to see where she is going, even at 2 months. Can't wait til she will sit in the stroller; so far she screams like we are torturing her if we set her in it for even one second.
Currently I am at risk of losing any Mother of the Year nominations; FI is upstairs slumbering peacefully in her swing... I have a monitor going and all that, but it's hard to feel good about leaving her in the swing for very long. But it's one of the few places she'll sleep during the day! Except in your arms and very occasionally in the bed, if the planets are all aligned and you're holding your teeth just right or whatever.
Ah well, better go assuage my feelings of guilt and maternal incompetence. :)
BH trying to lose alongside me but personally I think she's going to have a tougher time resisting cookies and stuff at work -- going to meetings gives you some added incentive: weekly date with the scale, listening to the struggles of others, etc. And let's face it, who doesn't like to hear that some other schlub is having more trouble than you are keeping away from fatty treats? And there's always some who need to lose more than you, and others who are almost at their goal, so there's always people to feel superior to/envy.
But, since I won't be bringing the aforementioned fatty treats into the house, and we'll be eating better meals when we're together, she ought to maybe lose some weight. Plus since the appearance of FI, we go on walks every day, partly in an effort to stop the screaming.
Last night FI wouldn't settle down in her Snugli so we just carried her the long, hot hike to the coffee shop (2 percent decaf vanilla latte only about 6 points!) and she grooved on it. She likes to see where she is going, even at 2 months. Can't wait til she will sit in the stroller; so far she screams like we are torturing her if we set her in it for even one second.
Currently I am at risk of losing any Mother of the Year nominations; FI is upstairs slumbering peacefully in her swing... I have a monitor going and all that, but it's hard to feel good about leaving her in the swing for very long. But it's one of the few places she'll sleep during the day! Except in your arms and very occasionally in the bed, if the planets are all aligned and you're holding your teeth just right or whatever.
Ah well, better go assuage my feelings of guilt and maternal incompetence. :)
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Screaminess
Baby insists on screaming inconsolably for hours in the evenings lately, and it makes no difference whether she has had a quiet day at home or a more complicated day of outings. Yesterday she napped quite a bit and was screamy at night. Today she didn't nap so much as we were out part of the day, and she is screamy once again.
Sigh.
Add to life goals list: learn to play guitar and/or piano. We have both. We also have French horn but just not going there. Not so much demand for French horn players around the campfire etc. etc.
Must go rescue poor BH from yowling offspring.
Sigh.
Add to life goals list: learn to play guitar and/or piano. We have both. We also have French horn but just not going there. Not so much demand for French horn players around the campfire etc. etc.
Must go rescue poor BH from yowling offspring.
Things ain't so bad.
Just had a hard night, that's all. Woke up at 3am with an eyeball-shooter headache, which some ibuprofen took care of pretty well.
Baby is in a growth spurt which means constant nursing, near-constant sleeping, and screaming in between. This morning she was all cookies and sunshine when she saw her mobile above the changing table, which makes it all worthwhile. She was just super screamy last night, wildcat screamy, and finally after trying every other option we had to just let her scream in her crib for a few minutes without trying to calm her -- easily the most torturous experience for me ever -- and when I picked her up she calmed right down and we got to bed about an hour later.
It breaks my heart when she cries like that -- she's so little -- to feel such despair when you're so tiny, it just hurts me to see. I guess I'd better toughen up a little, on the outside at least; I don't want her to have to deal with her mother falling apart every time she's having a hard time. I want to be strong for her, not a big sobby mushball.
In other less emotionally wracking news, am driving down to Salem (about one hour away) to drop something off at friend Monica's, then have lunch with my Mom. Hoping the drive isn't punctuated by constant wildcat screaming. I know it's far safer to have the baby seat in the back seat, which is of course where it is, because we are sensible law-abiding citizens, but it sure sucks not to be able to calm her if I'm driving alone.
Am thinking of what I will do with myself should I ever have the opportunity to further education. Thinking Master's in Spanish with minor in Russian as is offered here at local University.
BH and I had discussion about what we want to be when we grow up, so to speak. Have many goals that I have fallen short of over the years, due to seemingly congenital fear of success, or lack of confidence -- belief that I cannot attain goals, i.e. "Can't possibly learn Spanish or Russian fluently" despite evident talent in languages. BH and I agree that it would be good for us both to pick an attainable goal and Just Do It.
In that vein, have chosen the following:
1. Rejoin Fat Losers (Weight Watchers), learn/practice good eating skills, and eventually get to ideal weight. Friend Ann has become inspiration, she has lost 60 lbs and looks/feels fabulous. Want to be healthy Mom for Delia so she is healthy too.
2. Aforementioned Master's degree, eventually
3. Hone calligraphy skills to the point that I can make things for people, not commercially but as gifts/favors
4. Scrapbook for Delia and for myself -- have needed items for most part, just intimidated by seemingly professional examples in books and magazines.
Add these to usual goals for self, i.e. become more mature, less emotionally reactive, floss daily, give to charity, etc. and think someday I may be self-actualized and fulfilled.
Though having gorgeous, sweet baby (despite screaminess which I am assured will pass) is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done.
Baby is in a growth spurt which means constant nursing, near-constant sleeping, and screaming in between. This morning she was all cookies and sunshine when she saw her mobile above the changing table, which makes it all worthwhile. She was just super screamy last night, wildcat screamy, and finally after trying every other option we had to just let her scream in her crib for a few minutes without trying to calm her -- easily the most torturous experience for me ever -- and when I picked her up she calmed right down and we got to bed about an hour later.
It breaks my heart when she cries like that -- she's so little -- to feel such despair when you're so tiny, it just hurts me to see. I guess I'd better toughen up a little, on the outside at least; I don't want her to have to deal with her mother falling apart every time she's having a hard time. I want to be strong for her, not a big sobby mushball.
In other less emotionally wracking news, am driving down to Salem (about one hour away) to drop something off at friend Monica's, then have lunch with my Mom. Hoping the drive isn't punctuated by constant wildcat screaming. I know it's far safer to have the baby seat in the back seat, which is of course where it is, because we are sensible law-abiding citizens, but it sure sucks not to be able to calm her if I'm driving alone.
Am thinking of what I will do with myself should I ever have the opportunity to further education. Thinking Master's in Spanish with minor in Russian as is offered here at local University.
BH and I had discussion about what we want to be when we grow up, so to speak. Have many goals that I have fallen short of over the years, due to seemingly congenital fear of success, or lack of confidence -- belief that I cannot attain goals, i.e. "Can't possibly learn Spanish or Russian fluently" despite evident talent in languages. BH and I agree that it would be good for us both to pick an attainable goal and Just Do It.
In that vein, have chosen the following:
1. Rejoin Fat Losers (Weight Watchers), learn/practice good eating skills, and eventually get to ideal weight. Friend Ann has become inspiration, she has lost 60 lbs and looks/feels fabulous. Want to be healthy Mom for Delia so she is healthy too.
2. Aforementioned Master's degree, eventually
3. Hone calligraphy skills to the point that I can make things for people, not commercially but as gifts/favors
4. Scrapbook for Delia and for myself -- have needed items for most part, just intimidated by seemingly professional examples in books and magazines.
Add these to usual goals for self, i.e. become more mature, less emotionally reactive, floss daily, give to charity, etc. and think someday I may be self-actualized and fulfilled.
Though having gorgeous, sweet baby (despite screaminess which I am assured will pass) is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
I guess things ain't so bad, or are they?
Took FI out to see the Rau Exhibit at the Art Museum yesterday. She was Fractious for a bit but then snoozed most of the way through it. We got home and she did nap for a while.
Today, she slept most of the day, would eat then want to go right back to sleep.
Now BH is upstairs trying to calm her but she's not having much luck.
We had an argument about the after work routine around here: she comes home, I want her to hold the baby but refrain from asking for a long time, then feel resentful if she's not all happy about it.
Nobody is right and everybody loses.
This day sucks.
Today, she slept most of the day, would eat then want to go right back to sleep.
Now BH is upstairs trying to calm her but she's not having much luck.
We had an argument about the after work routine around here: she comes home, I want her to hold the baby but refrain from asking for a long time, then feel resentful if she's not all happy about it.
Nobody is right and everybody loses.
This day sucks.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Okay
All is not cookies and sunshine and puppies and kittens here in my personal corner of the world.
The baby will not tolerate sleeping on her own during the day, i.e. napping. She will sleep in your arms for short stretches but if you try to lay her down it's about a 90 percent chance she will wake up within 5 to 10 minutes and start bellowing. She's so obviously tired -- but the only place we can put her to get any peace and quiet most days is in her swing, and even that doesn't always work, and then there's the Feeling Like a Bad Mother issue that comes with parking your baby in the swing for more than 15 minutes.
Of course she is only nearly 7 weeks and I'm sure she will settle down a bit but so far I am mired in despair many days, trying to get myself something to eat or pick up the place a little bit or whatever and having to choose: eat, or tidy, or whatever, and listen to her scream -- or hold her and do the abovementioned only with great difficulty, if at all.
The baby will not tolerate sleeping on her own during the day, i.e. napping. She will sleep in your arms for short stretches but if you try to lay her down it's about a 90 percent chance she will wake up within 5 to 10 minutes and start bellowing. She's so obviously tired -- but the only place we can put her to get any peace and quiet most days is in her swing, and even that doesn't always work, and then there's the Feeling Like a Bad Mother issue that comes with parking your baby in the swing for more than 15 minutes.
Of course she is only nearly 7 weeks and I'm sure she will settle down a bit but so far I am mired in despair many days, trying to get myself something to eat or pick up the place a little bit or whatever and having to choose: eat, or tidy, or whatever, and listen to her scream -- or hold her and do the abovementioned only with great difficulty, if at all.
Friday, July 09, 2004
Beach Blanket Bingo
Heading to Beach this afternoon for "girls' weekend out" with old friends. BH in unique position of feeling Compelled to attend as is FI's first beach trip, yet generally Not into idea of hanging with a) several people that she b) doesn't know that well when she would c) rather be home playing with new compressor and sundry Attachments. Nonetheless, she is bravely stepping out despite Misgivings. You go, Girl!
FI is down for the count. Have had several screamy evenings which it is believed are result of not getting enough Naptime during days. Making concerted effort when she gets screamy to Check if she is hungry, wet, etc. and if none of the above are the case, wrap her up nicely and Bounce, Bounce, Bounce, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, on the exercise ball until her little eyes wink shut. Then it's on to the rocking chair for a few minutes to seal the deal, then lay down in the bed. She then conks out for up to four (!!!) hours! And wakes in better Frame of Mind.
Provided, of course, that her tiny little eyes don't wink back open immediately upon her body touching the bed, which is almost guaranteed to happen.
Seriously looking forward to next phase which perhaps will not involve so much screaming. Not counting on it however.
FI is down for the count. Have had several screamy evenings which it is believed are result of not getting enough Naptime during days. Making concerted effort when she gets screamy to Check if she is hungry, wet, etc. and if none of the above are the case, wrap her up nicely and Bounce, Bounce, Bounce, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, on the exercise ball until her little eyes wink shut. Then it's on to the rocking chair for a few minutes to seal the deal, then lay down in the bed. She then conks out for up to four (!!!) hours! And wakes in better Frame of Mind.
Provided, of course, that her tiny little eyes don't wink back open immediately upon her body touching the bed, which is almost guaranteed to happen.
Seriously looking forward to next phase which perhaps will not involve so much screaming. Not counting on it however.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
More Power!
Further tearful discussions with BH concerning YT...
Am experiencing Rocking of World with this whole becoming a mother thing. If I have any brains, will go with it and become not only mother, but better person and better partner.
Among topics, fact that not having a job meant that I didn't feel I could run out and buy expensive gifts for BH, though she frequently buys them for me. Case in point, lovely Tanzanite and Diamond white gold ring about a week before FI was born.
"But I don't have any money," I sniveled, "I didn't want to buy you gifts that got us into debt." "Oh, so it's okay for me to buy you gifts on credit but not the other way around?!" Well shit, hadn't thought of it that way.
Before you, gentle reader, get wrong impression that we are carefree spendthrifts, know that we are paying off debt in general and don't run amok charging things left, right and center. Usually. So please, no lectures. We are well acquainted with the Evils of Credit Cards.
That being said, ran out today and gleefully racked up a lovely compressor with accessory pack, 3/8in. pneumatic reversible drill, pneumatic nailer/stapler combo, and this kit full of brackets and screws and directions to build garage workbench.
Played it oh so cool when BH got home from a long day's toil down at The Swamp (local power utility, where she slaves over hot databases all day long) -- "Oh honey, got some groceries down at the store, could you fetch them out the back of the car dear?" And didn't even blow it when she lollygagged! Managed to set FI down without waking her (first serious nap of day) so I could see out the front window, quite rewarding, got a lot of accusatory finger-pointing and grins, "YOU!" Think BH is quite tickled with her new toys. Looking forward to seeing garage become organized workshop haven rather than festering rathole it currently is. Plus, we can use compressor to put up molding in living room and avoid a) lengthy unrewarding amateurish pounding of endless nails and b) any temptation, slight as it is, to invite Dad back down with his compressor to "help."
Must go, dinner in the offing and pesky dog barking outside, BH preoccupied with watching baby and inspecting toys to run out there and get her to come in.
Am experiencing Rocking of World with this whole becoming a mother thing. If I have any brains, will go with it and become not only mother, but better person and better partner.
Among topics, fact that not having a job meant that I didn't feel I could run out and buy expensive gifts for BH, though she frequently buys them for me. Case in point, lovely Tanzanite and Diamond white gold ring about a week before FI was born.
"But I don't have any money," I sniveled, "I didn't want to buy you gifts that got us into debt." "Oh, so it's okay for me to buy you gifts on credit but not the other way around?!" Well shit, hadn't thought of it that way.
Before you, gentle reader, get wrong impression that we are carefree spendthrifts, know that we are paying off debt in general and don't run amok charging things left, right and center. Usually. So please, no lectures. We are well acquainted with the Evils of Credit Cards.
That being said, ran out today and gleefully racked up a lovely compressor with accessory pack, 3/8in. pneumatic reversible drill, pneumatic nailer/stapler combo, and this kit full of brackets and screws and directions to build garage workbench.
Played it oh so cool when BH got home from a long day's toil down at The Swamp (local power utility, where she slaves over hot databases all day long) -- "Oh honey, got some groceries down at the store, could you fetch them out the back of the car dear?" And didn't even blow it when she lollygagged! Managed to set FI down without waking her (first serious nap of day) so I could see out the front window, quite rewarding, got a lot of accusatory finger-pointing and grins, "YOU!" Think BH is quite tickled with her new toys. Looking forward to seeing garage become organized workshop haven rather than festering rathole it currently is. Plus, we can use compressor to put up molding in living room and avoid a) lengthy unrewarding amateurish pounding of endless nails and b) any temptation, slight as it is, to invite Dad back down with his compressor to "help."
Must go, dinner in the offing and pesky dog barking outside, BH preoccupied with watching baby and inspecting toys to run out there and get her to come in.
Monday, July 05, 2004
Some Things I've Learned
Can't sleep. To bed sometime after ten pm with FI, who nursed obsessively until after 11. Endured many awakenings by FI who was evidently filling her grubby little shorts, which takes a surprising amount of effort considering output is a) scant and b) erm, loose. Finally she woke for feeding at 4:45 am which was over with by sometime after 5, and after which I could not settle back down. Cats skirmishing all over bedroom not helpful in this regard.
So, to basement for laundry (bought new Gargantuan shorts yesterday, so have added Incentive to finish same) and a spot of blogging. A good and sensible person would be cleaning kitchen, but there you have it. Apparently am neither good nor sensible.
Have learned some things from becoming New Parent, which I list here for your Enjoyment. Note: List is neither comprehensive nor particularly useful. Your results may vary.
1. Experienced parents are right smug bastards. Usually helpful, or at least full of advice on every topic, but also full of, "Ha ha, you fool, you have no idea what you're getting into, muwahahahaha!" type comments.
2. Always have a set of clean sheets on hand if co-sleeping. One never does know when Ensign Huggies over there will have a hull breech belowdecks and defile one's moorings with bilge. If you get my inexplicably nautically-themed reference.
3. Keep a wide variety of highly absorbent items nearby. Flannel receiving blankets, cloth diapers, washcloths, dirty socks, whatever. Handy for the containment of various expulsions, repulsions, propulsions, seepage, spewage, and sewage coming out of your precious little darling. Ever have your garbage disposal back up? This is much, much worse.
4. The cordless baby monitor is the most useful item ever made, provided you can get the baby to sleep anywhere but in your arms. Buy 9 volt batteries in bulk.
5. Ditto the swing, once you can get the baby to not hate it with every fiber of her tiny little being. Infants are at the very mercy of its damnable soothing sway and treacherous musical lullaby. Buy D cell batteries in bulk also. By the truckload if you can manage it. Am considering having loading dock installed in home.
So, to basement for laundry (bought new Gargantuan shorts yesterday, so have added Incentive to finish same) and a spot of blogging. A good and sensible person would be cleaning kitchen, but there you have it. Apparently am neither good nor sensible.
Have learned some things from becoming New Parent, which I list here for your Enjoyment. Note: List is neither comprehensive nor particularly useful. Your results may vary.
1. Experienced parents are right smug bastards. Usually helpful, or at least full of advice on every topic, but also full of, "Ha ha, you fool, you have no idea what you're getting into, muwahahahaha!" type comments.
2. Always have a set of clean sheets on hand if co-sleeping. One never does know when Ensign Huggies over there will have a hull breech belowdecks and defile one's moorings with bilge. If you get my inexplicably nautically-themed reference.
3. Keep a wide variety of highly absorbent items nearby. Flannel receiving blankets, cloth diapers, washcloths, dirty socks, whatever. Handy for the containment of various expulsions, repulsions, propulsions, seepage, spewage, and sewage coming out of your precious little darling. Ever have your garbage disposal back up? This is much, much worse.
4. The cordless baby monitor is the most useful item ever made, provided you can get the baby to sleep anywhere but in your arms. Buy 9 volt batteries in bulk.
5. Ditto the swing, once you can get the baby to not hate it with every fiber of her tiny little being. Infants are at the very mercy of its damnable soothing sway and treacherous musical lullaby. Buy D cell batteries in bulk also. By the truckload if you can manage it. Am considering having loading dock installed in home.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
One of Those Days
Mama said there'd be days like this...
In fact, Mama dazedly repeated, "Your time is no longer your own," over and over when informed that we were Expecting.
She could not have been more correct. YT (Yours Truly) is lucky to find time to wash a little laundry on a good day -- nothing like spending two days in a sour-milk-smelling nursing bra because all your other bras are in the dirty clothes...
In fact, am simultaneously washing clothing and dishes. BH is upstairs dealing with Fractious Infant. Pity use of baby knockout drops or medicinal brandy frowned upon in this day and age... Kidding! Just kidding! Do not sic Authorities on poor YT.
BH just off phone with friend who also has Fractious Infant; Friend advised BH to order expanded cable and enroll in internet postal-delivery DVD rental service for YT. This because Friend realized shortly after bearing offspring that they weren't going anywhere for a while, because offspring could not endure such outings without screaming uncontrollably for hours upon returning to domicile. So am enrolled, and doubtless cable enhancements will be ordered forthwith after holiday. BH is so sweet, has already queued up 22 films of various genres for YT, all of which are the sort of films YT would actually watch! YT is quite fortunate. BH pays attention: there are several classics, many international titles, etc. :)
BH's conversation with Friend resultant from tearful discussion last night concerning the nixing of a beach outing next weekend with a few of YT's friends. YT still having difficulty adjusting to fact that social life very severely curtailed -- nay, entirely defunct -- owing to introduction of FI into household. Heavy Sigh...
Fishtank looking quite nice lately. Water nice and clear, algae cleaned off front, faux-stone gargoyle-themed decorational statuary items scrubbed clean, fashionable brightly-colored aquarium gravel freshly added, etc. Plus, no rotting goldfish corpses anywhere in sight or (to best of my knowledge) concealed within statuary! Surprisingly, largest and most attractive goldfish still alive despite massive growth near dorsal fin.
In fact, Mama dazedly repeated, "Your time is no longer your own," over and over when informed that we were Expecting.
She could not have been more correct. YT (Yours Truly) is lucky to find time to wash a little laundry on a good day -- nothing like spending two days in a sour-milk-smelling nursing bra because all your other bras are in the dirty clothes...
In fact, am simultaneously washing clothing and dishes. BH is upstairs dealing with Fractious Infant. Pity use of baby knockout drops or medicinal brandy frowned upon in this day and age... Kidding! Just kidding! Do not sic Authorities on poor YT.
BH just off phone with friend who also has Fractious Infant; Friend advised BH to order expanded cable and enroll in internet postal-delivery DVD rental service for YT. This because Friend realized shortly after bearing offspring that they weren't going anywhere for a while, because offspring could not endure such outings without screaming uncontrollably for hours upon returning to domicile. So am enrolled, and doubtless cable enhancements will be ordered forthwith after holiday. BH is so sweet, has already queued up 22 films of various genres for YT, all of which are the sort of films YT would actually watch! YT is quite fortunate. BH pays attention: there are several classics, many international titles, etc. :)
BH's conversation with Friend resultant from tearful discussion last night concerning the nixing of a beach outing next weekend with a few of YT's friends. YT still having difficulty adjusting to fact that social life very severely curtailed -- nay, entirely defunct -- owing to introduction of FI into household. Heavy Sigh...
Fishtank looking quite nice lately. Water nice and clear, algae cleaned off front, faux-stone gargoyle-themed decorational statuary items scrubbed clean, fashionable brightly-colored aquarium gravel freshly added, etc. Plus, no rotting goldfish corpses anywhere in sight or (to best of my knowledge) concealed within statuary! Surprisingly, largest and most attractive goldfish still alive despite massive growth near dorsal fin.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Disappearing Goldfish and Cherries
Okay. Three goldfish languishing in sadly neglected downstairs (basement) fishtank. Lumpy, the Other One, and the Other Other One. Lumpy has bizarre growth on back ("dorsal area" in fish geek talk)so is easily identified, but the other two are generic orange fish. Quite attractive, but utterly generic.
A couple of days ago noticed that there were now only two fish in tank. Where did third one go? Nobody knew... Wasn't floating belly up, not pinned behind the heating element, just no damn where in sight. No signs of foul play, no evidence of a struggle. A Mystery.
Cut to yesterday when had a few minutes and got sudden wild hair to clean up sad fishtank, starting with algae-encrusted decorative figures contained therein -- lovely faux stone arch festooned with faux stone gargoyle statues, and similar faux stone column featuring faux stone gargoyle statue peeking coyly around it. Hideous, yet compelling. (Stop snickering! You'd have the same if only your good taste wouldn't get in the way.)
Placed column in large pitcher and began scrubbing it in kitchen sink. All was going swimmingly, so to speak until picked the column up -- and flashed on rotting corpse of whichever Other goldfish had shuffled off this mortal coil and was now floating in bottom of pitcher. Evidently it was contained within hollow decorative column which had tipped on its side in the tank some time ago. Eeeeeuw...
Really, Eeeeeuw doesn't begin to describe reaction. Being alone in house apart from assorted pets and sleeping month-old infant, went into full-on Heebie-Jeebie mode and spent some serious time gibbering around the kitchen before could get control of self. Didn't help things much when later, while recounting gory tale to BH over the phone, happened upon massive spider's nest in Bio-Wheel portion of tank filter system. Mistakenly thought nest was empty owing to fact that it had hole in it. Sadly, this not the case. Rinsed bulbous, flesh-colored corpse of Very Large Disgusting Bloated Mother Spider out of same. Recoiled in horror and resumed gibbering, but quietly as was on phone.
No more wild hairs. Next time hiring it done.
As for cherries. Well. Have two small cherry trees in side yard, both of which produced admirable crops this year. Surprising in that only just planted them last year. Been meaning to get out there and harvest, but 90 degree heat plus nursing aforementioned infant sort of precluded that sort of thing. Plus quite lazy.
Noticed this morning that a) some branches in lower parts of trees are broken off and dangling, and b) cherries from lower parts of trees are missing. Moments later determined that hundred pound bundle of nervous, stupid love, floppy-eared brown Doberman, Bosco, is probably culprit. Watched same dog eat blackberries off vines in back yard last year, and watched other two dogs follow suit after observing him in action. No wonder he's been farting like a rhinoceros. Must look into air freshening device that can be worn dangling from stubby little tail.
A couple of days ago noticed that there were now only two fish in tank. Where did third one go? Nobody knew... Wasn't floating belly up, not pinned behind the heating element, just no damn where in sight. No signs of foul play, no evidence of a struggle. A Mystery.
Cut to yesterday when had a few minutes and got sudden wild hair to clean up sad fishtank, starting with algae-encrusted decorative figures contained therein -- lovely faux stone arch festooned with faux stone gargoyle statues, and similar faux stone column featuring faux stone gargoyle statue peeking coyly around it. Hideous, yet compelling. (Stop snickering! You'd have the same if only your good taste wouldn't get in the way.)
Placed column in large pitcher and began scrubbing it in kitchen sink. All was going swimmingly, so to speak until picked the column up -- and flashed on rotting corpse of whichever Other goldfish had shuffled off this mortal coil and was now floating in bottom of pitcher. Evidently it was contained within hollow decorative column which had tipped on its side in the tank some time ago. Eeeeeuw...
Really, Eeeeeuw doesn't begin to describe reaction. Being alone in house apart from assorted pets and sleeping month-old infant, went into full-on Heebie-Jeebie mode and spent some serious time gibbering around the kitchen before could get control of self. Didn't help things much when later, while recounting gory tale to BH over the phone, happened upon massive spider's nest in Bio-Wheel portion of tank filter system. Mistakenly thought nest was empty owing to fact that it had hole in it. Sadly, this not the case. Rinsed bulbous, flesh-colored corpse of Very Large Disgusting Bloated Mother Spider out of same. Recoiled in horror and resumed gibbering, but quietly as was on phone.
No more wild hairs. Next time hiring it done.
As for cherries. Well. Have two small cherry trees in side yard, both of which produced admirable crops this year. Surprising in that only just planted them last year. Been meaning to get out there and harvest, but 90 degree heat plus nursing aforementioned infant sort of precluded that sort of thing. Plus quite lazy.
Noticed this morning that a) some branches in lower parts of trees are broken off and dangling, and b) cherries from lower parts of trees are missing. Moments later determined that hundred pound bundle of nervous, stupid love, floppy-eared brown Doberman, Bosco, is probably culprit. Watched same dog eat blackberries off vines in back yard last year, and watched other two dogs follow suit after observing him in action. No wonder he's been farting like a rhinoceros. Must look into air freshening device that can be worn dangling from stubby little tail.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Day Four
Ms. Peabody (note to self: investigate alternate diaper brands, current one not doing the trick) is snoozing upstairs. Cordless baby monitor clearly most useful baby-related innovation since, well, ever.
Tomorrow self and Better Half will sign adoption petition allowing B.H. to become co-parent. May have to endure home visit from social worker, no doubt at considerable expense to selves. All for privilege of parenting own child! Pity we are not heterosexual tax-dodging drug addicts living marginal existence in cheap apartment driving 20 year old van or similar; could have gotten pregnant, had prenatal care and become legal parents, all for minimal expense if any. Instead, evil homosexual middle-income home-owning tax-paying voting recycling etc etc upstanding citizens such as ourselves must spend upwards of 2 grand to get pregnant (which we allow is peanuts compared to what some must pay) and then another 2+ grand for adoption and other legal paperwork to protect selves and child since marriage not legal yet in this state. Feh!
On bright side, have had opportunity to shower and even (gasp!) look at newspaper for a few minutes this morning while Her Majesty gets a bit of beauty sleep. It's like paradise...
Tomorrow self and Better Half will sign adoption petition allowing B.H. to become co-parent. May have to endure home visit from social worker, no doubt at considerable expense to selves. All for privilege of parenting own child! Pity we are not heterosexual tax-dodging drug addicts living marginal existence in cheap apartment driving 20 year old van or similar; could have gotten pregnant, had prenatal care and become legal parents, all for minimal expense if any. Instead, evil homosexual middle-income home-owning tax-paying voting recycling etc etc upstanding citizens such as ourselves must spend upwards of 2 grand to get pregnant (which we allow is peanuts compared to what some must pay) and then another 2+ grand for adoption and other legal paperwork to protect selves and child since marriage not legal yet in this state. Feh!
On bright side, have had opportunity to shower and even (gasp!) look at newspaper for a few minutes this morning while Her Majesty gets a bit of beauty sleep. It's like paradise...
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