These are the weird Scientology questions that have been circulating, thought I'd take a crack at 'em.
"The internal church document was developed by Scientology founder and onetime science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard for use during "auditing" sessions—you know, the ones designed to identify your trapped "thetans."
The "thetans," or alien ghosts, were implanted in Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago by the evil intergalactic ruler Xenu, until the nasty buggers escaped and invaded the bodies of each and every one of us. New recruits like Katie Holmes, or "preclears," answer the questions while hooked up to an E-meter—a crude, polygraph-like contraption—as a Church-sanctioned auditor records the subject's responses for further expensive inquiry. Radar excerpted the best of the list's 343 questions. Here's a verbatim sampling."
• Have you ever enslaved a population?
I have a drawer full of squirrels and I make them knit me socks, because I can't stand to wear the same socks twice. There, I finally confessed. I feel so much better.
• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
Yes, just to hear it scream.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Countless times. Mom said that I am not allowed to kill the wrong person anymore.
• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Wanted to? Yes. Actually did it? No, because they are so damn slippery. Next time I'm getting some tongs.
• Have you ever been a professional critic?
I was personally responsible for the downfall of New Coke. Let the truth be known.
• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Before the squirrels, I had mice, but their paws were so small that they took bloody ages to knit the socks, so I had to, er, "find them a new home" so I could move the squirrels in.
• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes, first I tried "Chester," then "Melvin," and finally "Festus," but against all odds it managed to evade my efforts.
• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Oh, thousands of times. And then I stopped wearing the clown shoes and the thong underpants and it was a lot better after that.
• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
It wasn't easy, but using only a rubber band, a microwave oven, and a spam email generator, I finally got 'er done.
• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
You'd have thought she was dead, but no. (And: eeeuw!)
• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
There were no witnesses, and you can't prove a thing. No further comment, me hearties.
• Have you ever been a pimp?
No, I've never had much interest in practicing law.
• Have you ever eaten a human body?
I can quit anytime I like. It is an acquired taste.
• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
I like to sing in the car, and each song I desecrate dies a sad and horrible death.
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Mmmmm.... species.... *drool*
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
No, I haven't yet managed to attain pro status, I'm still just an amateur.
• Have you given robots a bad name?
Quite the contrary. My robots are wonderfully named. Here, meet Sebastian, Leonardo, and Benedict.
• Have you ever set a booby trap?
I rarely have to trap my boobies. They are generally right where I left them.
• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
"Rescue," that's so codependent. I prefer to give him the tools to rescue himself.
• Have you driven anyone insane?
Why drive, when it's such a short walk? (Ba dum bum)
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Who wants to know? You look kind of wrong to me. Hold still, I'm just going to the wall safe to get my, uh, newspaper.
• Is anybody looking for you?
Why, who's been calling? *shifty eyes* Uh, I have to run to the store for some, uh, graham crackers. Back later. *squealling tires*
• Have you ever set a poor example?
No, except for that one time when I voted for Bush.
(...Okay, bear in mind that this is humor, I never voted for Bush. Some things are just not funny! My bad!)
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Didn't we all?
• Are you in hiding?
I told you never to call me here!
• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Usually I'm unsystematic, which throws them off the trail. That and my tinfoil hat.
• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
I don't need to practice anymore, I am quite proficient.
• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Only a few times. It took forever to get the bloodstains out of the carpet, so I don't make that mistake anymore.
• Have you ever gone crazy?
Why, who have you been talking to? *shifty eyes again* Don't listen to the TV people, they totally lie.
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
It's pretty evident to anyone who cares to look.
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
We haven't had one in a while, so no.
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
I smothered a new baby potato in gravy once. It was totally asking for it.
• Do you deserve to have any friends?
If you have to ask, then no, you cannot be my friend.
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Actually, yes. I assisted at the castration of my cat. (True story!)
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Resistance is futile!
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Not so far. Is this the best you can do?
• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Every time I pass a WalMart.
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
How did I know it was loaded? Sheesh.
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Don't ask, don't tell. :)