Heavy Sighs

All day, heavy sighs and bouts of weeping. I suppose this is normal. I know he was "just a cat" but those of you who understand how I feel, I don't need to explain it to, and those who don't, I couldn't explain it in a million years.

I can't believe I'll never dish him up some canned food at night or listen to him yowl for no good reason in the wee hours. He won't head-butt me or try to bite my nose. I won't get to pick him up and ruffle his leopard-spotty belly, or make fun of him for having Saggy Belly Fur.

I also won't have to shove a pill down his throat or clean up barf, but I'd do it every day if it would bring him back.

But it won't, and I'll just keep heaving the sighs and feeling the Beany-shaped hole in my chest until enough time goes by to make the sadness fade away.

I'll get his ashes on Tuesday. I plan to bury them under something in the yard, we have a lot of things to plant, a hydrangea maybe. Something he'd have liked to lay under and keep his eye on doings in the yard. The yard I was looking forward to letting him wander in once we got it fenced. He'd have been safe and would have been able to bask in the sun and mutter at the birds again.

The title to the previous post, Digging a Ditch, is a Dave Matthews Band song.

Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Unplug the TV and turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch
Cause I'm

Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm old
Digging this ditch my story's told

Where all these troubles weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Where all these questions spinning round my head will
die, will die, will die

Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Unplug the TV and turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch
Cause I'm

Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm through
Digging this ditch I'm digging for you

Where all these worries wear down on me will rise
Where all these habits pull heavy at my heart will die

Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Not what you should be or what you've become
Just get heavy on with digging your ditch
Cause I'm

Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Where all these disappointments that grow angry out of me will rise
Will die, will die, will die

Run to your dreaming when you're alone
Unplug the TV and turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

I used to listen to this song a lot when I was really stressed out, around the time I quit my job, I was really anxious and depressed, and it made me feel better somehow.

Here's another:
Barenaked Ladies, "Light Up My Room"

A Hydro-field cuts through my neighborhood
Somehow that always just made me feel good
I can put a spare bulb in my hand
And light up my yard

Late at night when the wires in the walls
Sing in tune with the din of the falls
I'm conducting it all while I sleep
To light this whole town

If you question what I would do
To get over and be with you
Lift you up over everything
To light up my room

There's a shopping cart in the ravine
The foam on the creek is like pop and ice cream
A field full of tires that is always on fire
To light my way home

There are luxuries we can't afford
But in our house we never get bored
We can dance to the radio station
That plays in our teeth

If you question what I would do
To get over and be with you
Lift you up over everything
To light up my room

A Hydro-field cuts through my neighborhood
Somehow that always just made me feel good
I can put a spare bulb in my hand
And light up my yard

Light up my yard
Lights in my yard
Light up my yard

The lyrics don't seem to pertain to anything specific but it's just the best song... It's my Digging A Ditch for right now.