Saturday, October 09, 2004

Another sh!tty day in paradise

I'm having a really bad day. It comes on the heels of the bad day that was yesterday.

Julianna is quitting smoking. I can't say anything about my feelings on the topic even in this blog as that would be less than supportive. I can say that this is not the first time and that with each try she has a better chance of success, statistically speaking, because she keeps trying, whereas someone who is not trying has pretty much a zero chance. So that's a good thing and I actually admire her for her drive. This time I see a different kind of determination in her and I think she's really going to do it. Despite me.

Why can't I just swallow everything and be the good, kind, accepting, supportive wife? Why? The inevitable irritability sets in and she becomes unlike herself -- snappish and a bit critical -- and I react so, so poorly to it. We had a stupid argument last night right when we were getting into bed. I couldn't just get over it and got up and went to the couch to decompress and ended up crying which just made things that much worse. Eventually I got back into bed but we didn't really hash it out, just went to sleep, and this morning there was some contrition on both parts and we were pretty well-behaved up until just now...

The baby didn't really nap this morning either and it looks as if she might be getting the stupid snotty head cold that Julianna brought home from work, so she's cranky and high-maintenance.

Later -- things are a little better. I think it's all much more complicated by possible hormone things -- had first period since baby recently, probably having PMS which explains a few things. I was feeling just angry and sad and out-of-control all day yesterday and part of today but it's passing. I hope it's not the return of Seasonal Affective stuff... some years it's bad, others it's not. It hasn't been that bad in a while.

J took some Benadryl for her cold and I think it's helping her, probably I'll be the only one at church tomorrow but that's ok. She needs to get better. I'll take the baby if she wakes at the right time... otherwise she will stay home. Though everyone looks at me like I'm missing an arm and says, "Where's that baby?!" if I go without her.

She slept through the night last night! 7:30pm to 6:30am! I was a)dumbfounded, b)very well rested despite getting up to check on her at least once, and c)so full of breastmilk it was leaking through the nursing pads (Lansinoh makes the best one for leaky first-timers like me, I tried several kinds and Curity did pretty well but this one kind, I don't remember who makes them, they were not even remotely absorbent -- I even put them in backwards to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding the directions about which side faces you -- I could not believe they were so useless!) and down my shirt when I woke up.

I've had to change how I put her to bed. For starters, she doesn't sleep in our bed alone anymore, because she rolled right out of it last Saturday night. I wasn't going to mention it here out of extreme guilt and shame, but I've gotten past it and although I still feel guilt and shame, the many stories I heard from virtually every parent I mentioned it to about how their kids fell off the bed, changing table, etc. made me feel better. I may be an idiot but at least I've got company. We did take her in to be checked out because we didn't see her land and our bed is very high and the bedroom floor is hard. But she was fine. Not really a mark on her, and in fact smiled at me all the way to the hospital.

So she goes down in the crib at around 7pm and when she wakes in the night I bring her to bed. And I don't nurse her to sleep anymore except when we're down in the bed, because she always wakes up when I lay her down in the crib and it's way more traumatic than if I put her in the crib calm but awake. She crabs for less than ten minutes, sometimes less than two even, and then it's off to dreamland. Whereas if she was asleep and wakes up when she hits the crib sheets, she gets super bent about it and it takes much longer.

I cannot stress how much quality of life has improved for all of us since we got her on a nap/sleep routine that works for her.

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