100 things (A Work In Progress)

I've been kind of meaning to do this for a while but I'm not sure I can think of 100 things. I shall get started and repost when it is finished.

1. One of my legs is longer than the other.
2. When I was a child I had a black cat named Ambrose.
3. We lived in Spain from the time I was 5 months old until I was nearly 4 years old.
4. We had a gardener and a housekeeper in Spain (labor was cheap at that time) and the gardener used to cuss me out in Spanish for picking the tomatoes before they were ripe.
5. Thirty five years later my own child is picking the tomatoes before they are ripe, but I don't cuss at her, in Spanish or otherwise.
6. I do not like soft cheeses such as Brie or similar.
7. I got an A in third term calculus.
8. I am allergic to many common antibiotics.
9. Everyone in my family is taller than I am, but not by much.
10. I love Sharpies. (the pens) Especially the fine point ones.
11. I never got detention in school.
12. I can't roll my tongue.
13. There is a very dark, almost black freckle on my forehead that total strangers have tried to wipe off of me. It has been there most of my life.
14. I suffer from performance anxiety when testing, such as on driver's tests or other exams where you have to demonstrate your ability.
15. However, I enjoy written tests.
16. In 1984, I got 1300 on my SAT's, not bad considering I didn't study.
17. I was quite nervous about it and by way of encouragement, my then-boyfriend made a bet with me that I would beat at least one of his scores. I beat them both.
18. I am not particularly mechanically inclined.
19. I am good at calligraphy and can draw a bit.
20. I love to drive.
21. I do the crossworld puzzle, sudoku and jumble in the paper nearly every day. In ink.
22. I studied in Russia when it was a communist country.
23. I love rain and wind and blustery weather.
24. In high school I decided I would never become a nurse.
25. I start nursing school in January.
26. I am mildly-to-moderately claustrophobic.
27. When I was a child my brother used to occasionally stuff me headfirst into a sleeping bag while we were roughhousing. (see #26....)
28. I am a cat person, more than a dog person.
29. I love to sing.
30. I can carry a tune but I don't really have a good singing voice.
31. I secretly enjoy Renaissance Festivals and would go to one in costume but can't yet admit to that kind of geekery.
32. I love peanut butter.
33. Especially with chocolate.
34. I do not love peanuts.
35. I am deathly allergic to tree nuts.
36. I roller-skated a lot as a child.
37. I won the All-City spelling bee in the 5th grade.
38. Some friends and I went to Disneyland when I was about 27, and drank in every bar at the Disneyland Hotel (there are many).
39. Then we went into Disneyland with a glass bottle of Tropicana orange juice which we had cunningly doctored with vodka, and rode a bunch of rides drunk.
40. By the way, this is against park rules, but we didn't get caught.
41. I like to buy toothpaste in foreign countries, as a souvenir to take home.
42. I also like to buy stationery goods, such as spiral notebooks.
43. My favorite season is Autumn.
44. I don't like spicy food.
45. I have one brother and no sisters.
46. I have a tendency to try to look knowledgeable about things that I'm not knowledgeable about.
47. I have discovered that this can be detrimental so I work hard to counter this now.
48. I once had to deal with a mentally ill person carrying a deceased squirrel around in a basket for a week. (I ran a group home at the time.) She had found it in the street and thought it was "sick." She covered it up so nobody knew what was in the basket until it started to smell.
49. I secretly enjoy vacuuming.
50. I am not afraid to touch worms or rodents (safe disease free ones) but spiders totally creep me out. But only if they touch me or get too close. I don't mind looking at them from a respectable distance.
51. Once I swallowed a fishbone and it scratched my throat so bad I had to get x-rays at the ER and the next day I had to go back and get examined by an ear/nose/throat doctor because it felt like the bone was still there. It wasn't, but I got a whopping rx for codeine so at least it didn't hurt anymore.
52. I have had every single extremity in a cast at one point or another. Some more than once.
53. Stress makes me clumsy.
54. As if I needed anything to make me clumsier.
55. All clumsiness aside, I am not bad at folkdance such as contra dancing or Russian folk dance.
56. Across the street from my dorm when I studied abroad was what I was told was the newest, largest and last statue of Lenin ever erected in Moscow. Here is the actual statue, in Oktyabrskaya Square:

57. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
58. I have put my left sock and shoe on first since I was 11.
59. However, I can put someone else's shoes or socks on in any order (for instance my daughter's)
60. When "Aladdin" came out, I saw it in the theater five times.
61. Most of my stories about studying in Moscow begin thusly: "One time when I was really drunk..." or alternatively, "One time when I had this terrible hangover..."
62. I don't drink very much now.
63. I used to go to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" every chance I got when I was in my mid-teens to early twenties.
64. As a result I had a mad, passionate crush on Tim Curry for years.
65. Perhaps I still do.
66. I once dreamt that I got into a posh, old-fashioned elevator in a fancy hotel and John Cleese was inside, along with the be-uniformed elevator operator. The doors closed, and by the time they reopened, Mr. Cleese had asked me to marry him and I had said yes.
67. I once had a dream that my father had died and it was so vivid that for several minutes after waking up, I thought he was actually dead.
68. I also dreamt once that my mother had died and that my father kidnapped me afterward and held me captive to try to prevent me from digging up her bones where they were buried in some kind of park. The bones were supposed to tell me something important. I woke up just as I was unearthing the bones.
69. I only like bananas if they are still kind of green. If there is even one brown spot, the banana is too sweet and mushy for my tastes.
70. I am a pen whore and if I find a really nice pen at work, I might be inclined to, um, liberate it. But not if it's a valuable one like something fancy.
71. I rode an elephant once at the zoo when I was a child. Most memorable thing about it: the way the elephant smelled, and the swaying. Also the bar behind me was digging into my back.
72. I once saw something that I can't explain in the sky. It looked like an egg, way up high, and the only reason I think it might have been something other than a "weather balloon" is that I watched it make a 90 degree turn. And then disappear. This was on a clear, beautiful summer day, and I was not under the influence of anything.
73. My grandmother drove trucks in Guam during the war.
74. My other grandmother was a WAC and was buried with military honors when she died 3 years ago.
75. I was in the Army.
76. Did I tell you about my flat feet?
77. I wasn't in for long.
78. I got 145 on my Defense Language Aptitude Battery. The score was so high that the recruiting office kept calling the testing center back to confirm the score. They had only seen one score higher than mine. (My friend qualified with a score of around 100.)
79. I sound really impressive here but in real life I'm quite normal and uninteresting.
80. I play World of Warcraft.
81. I came out at 22. (Mel, this is why I mentioned a boyfriend! What can I say, I was young...) It wasn't pretty and in some ways still isn't and never will be, but I am fortunate to have a wonderful family. Mostly.
82. My first car was a 1966 Chevrolet Bel-Air. Four doors, an enormous metal dashboard, and a 3-dead-body trunk that opened with a screwdriver because the lock had been popped. I was 28 years old.
83. I am an enthusiastic motorcyclist although I do not currently own one.
84. I have never colored my hair.
85. I once told off a very good friend of mine via email because I was very angry at her for something and now she's not my friend anymore. I apologized and we kind of tried to be friends but it didn't work out, she was too hurt. I'll regret it forever.
86.

WTF

Okay, so I'm trying this out, this Multiply thing. And the first thing that happens is that when I import my blog from blogger, it scrambles the order of the posts, and now it's all mixed up.

Plus, my stupid email is hosed again (thanks, Comcast!) and I can't access it.

ENOUGH!!! Enough of the stupid hassles, life! I am up to my NECKBONES in hassles! And I have HAD! ENOUGH!!!

Okay, that being said, um, Hi Internets! Welcome, any friends of Mel's!

And, if my blog makes NO SENSE AT ALL, please be advised that it's not my fault.

Thank you.

Google-fu Meme

Borrowed from Dr. Zeus:

"From Adventures in Ethics and Science, the Google-fu meme, originated by David Ng.

I'd like to suggest a meme, where the premise is that you will attempt to find 5 statements, which if you were to type into google (preferably google.com, but we'll take the other country specific ones if need be), you'll find that you are returned with your blog as the number one hit. This takes a bit of effort since finding these statements takes a little trial and error, but I'm going to guess that this meme might yield some interesting insight on the blog in question. To make it easier, we'll let you use a search statement enclosed in quotations - this is just to increase your chances of turning up as number one, but if you happen to have a website with the awesome traffic to command the same statement without quotations, then flaunt it baby! Of course, once you find your 5 statements, pass the meme on to others."

I had a try at this today and came up with these statements:

new motherhood gone bad
bodice 101
event whore
Gee my foot smells terrific
Chickeny goodness, and meeples

In the process I learned that "meeples" is actually a real term for something. Evidently there is a German tile-based board game, which I will no doubt never play because it involves strategy and not sheer dumb luck, and the chunky little "people" figures are colloquially referred to as "meeples."

This is a far different definition than my daughter's. To her, meeples are nipples.

I'm not going to tag anyone but hey, get on the good foot and do the bad thing, my blogmates.

Boy Is Our Face Expensively Red

So the next morning after getting GiantCableConglomerateCast phone service installed, my aunt rang me up. I answered gleefully in anticipation of crystal clear, functional phone service.

Oh, the humanity.

"Hello? HELLO? Are you there? If you're there, I can't hear you. I'll call you on your cell phone."

I don't know what made me look dumbly down at the counter, take in the two cordless units lying there, and suddenly add up the variables in my head: Intermittent service. No bandwidth issue. Two phones.

My aunt called me on my cell, we chatted a bit, and then I asked her if she could take a minute to call me back on the home phone. She did. I answered and she couldn't hear me. I had asked her to call me back again on the home phone if she couldn't hear me, so a moment later she did and I answered using the other unit. Clear as a bell.

So we just spent 120 dollars to cancel one service, installed a more expensive service, and all along the problem was the damn phone. It had just coincidentally gone teats-up right after we started service with Bonage.

I am pretty sure that it was Sunrocket's last stab at screwing us over. We got that phone free when we signed up with them.

Bonage

We recently had a less than optimal experience with an internet phone service. Let's just call this company "Bonage" since that is certainly what it felt like overall. Bend over...

We used to use SunRocket, which, once we got it operating, worked great. Occasionally there would be delays in service, never lasting more than part of a day, which I was willing to tolerate given the extreme value pricing of about 17 dollars a month for the whole enchilada -- long distance, voicemail, caller ID, you name it. And the problems were always some server issue, and they were always ass-kissingly apologetic about it.

But suddenly SunRocket went out of business, and we were faced with having to get a new provider quick. A friend of ours had had good luck with Bonage so we went with them. Plus, they were having a special for former SunRocket customers. What could go wrong?

All went swimmingly for about two weeks, and then not so much. If you called us, we could hear you but you couldn't hear us. And this was maddeningly intermittent. Also, during a time that we were fielding many important calls. Gah! We went to their website and did all the things they suggested we do. Nothing helped. Then we moved on to contacting the "customer service" department via email. They repeatedly instructed us to do all the things on the website, that we had already done, and told us that the problem was on our side. They did not have suggestions as to what the problem might be other than maybe a bandwidth issue, which seemed unlikely given the ease with which I play World of Warcraft for (cough cough) at least a couple of hours a night. They did not answer direct questions.

They did send us a new device in case the original one had gotten overheated or was defective. We were required to send the original one back within a certain period of time or face a charge. We did so. It cost us ten bucks via the cheapest route. The new device did nothing to change the situation.

By now we are getting pretty bent. We have had to use our cellphones almost exclusively during this time and our cell plan, while perfectly adequate for our usual needs, is not unlimited. We will have hefty cell bills. And we're sick of all this hassle. Finally, we call and get the phone service offered by GiantCableConglomerateCast. This will be more expensive than effing Bonage, but at least we will have service that functions, plus digital cable with on-demand and faster cable internet than before. And, if anything goes wrong? Yeah, somebody comes to our house and fixes it.

We were told that we could not discontinue service with Bonage until the day of the new hookup -- today. My better half called to discontinue and it took 25 minutes. On the cell phone of course. They offered to transfer her to whatever they call the suck-up department no less than five times. Each time she had to say No. And! Here's the parting shot. Because we didn't stay with their crappy non-existent service for six months, they are charging us for the device. And for shipping. And a disconnection fee.

So all told, this little experiment cost us close to 120 dollars in fees (from today), ten dollars postage (old device return), and oh, it's hard to say how much in cell phone bills -- probably a couple hundred over our usual amount.

I kind of wish that Bonage sent out those "no postage necessary" postcards or envelopes like credit card companies do. I have heard that an unscrupulous person might enjoy putting them in the mail empty because once they enter the postal system, the company has to pay the postage on them no matter what might (or might not) be inside. That's just what I've heard. I'm just sayin'.

Name Meme

You all know how I love the meme. Spotted this on one of the blogs I read.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Ambrose Protege

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Chocolate Peanut Butter -- this sounds a little odd considering I'm a pasty white girl with red hair and freckles.

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
D-Rob, or (from my WoW main character name) E-Raz

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Tabby Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Lee Oak Harbor

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Robde

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
"The Orange Corona (with lime)" -- evidently I squirt citrus juice in the bad guys' eyes, then pee on them (from all the beer). That'll teach 'em!

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Jean William

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Anais Reese -- I kinda like it. :)

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Andre Louise

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Nichols Nashville -- hahahahahaha, it was the only city I could think of with an N

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Autumn Gerber (Daisy), or maybe Christmas Aster

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Mango Tie-dye. This sounds more like it should be the hippy name (below).

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Cinnamon Life Gingko

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Triathlon Lightning Tour

Mistake

Tonight I made a grievous medication error.

I work at a group home for “severe & persistent mental illness” clients. There are more than a dozen clients, residents, whatever you want to call them. The term changes regularly what with varying forms of political correctness; at one point we called them “consumers,” as in “consumers of mental health services” but I never liked that term. It makes them sound all take and no give.

At any rate, I used to run such a house. I found it to be super stressful and was happy to give it up. Ironically, the part I liked the best about working in these types of facilities was giving medications and dealing with doctors’ offices, medical appointments, etc. Now I’m back here working a regular weekend swing shift gig, back in the trenches. I am generally well-thought-of in this agency, after a long association with it, and even got this job without having to come in for an interview.

Yeah, maybe not so much after tonight.

This client receives three types of insulin, and I gave the first of them correctly. Then I gave the second one incorrectly. Then I caught the mistake and called it in without giving the third dose.

The client will be fine. I was told, as I figured I would be, to hold the third type of insulin altogether, give him a slightly larger dinner, extra juice, and monitor his blood sugars about hourly. Fortunately his blood sugar was a bit high to begin with.

I feel like such a jerk. This poor guy. I’m so glad I caught it right away, at least. It could have been a disaster.

I hate making mistakes in general, and I especially hate that my mistake could have really hurt – possibly even killed – this client.

You can bet it will never happen again.

Damp, Lost and Hurting, Yet Triumphant

Today I rode in the Lance Armstrong Foundation LIVESTRONG Challenge. It was a 40-mile ride through the picturesque farms and fields surrounding the Nike World Campus. It might have been yet more picturesque, nay, even bucolic, were it not for the steady, relentless, unceasing rain and wind. But I digress.

I began this little journey a few months ago when my friend Wussy McFairweatherpants (name changed to protect her identity) suggested that I join her on this ride after we had completed the Summit to Surf in July. It will be fun, she said. Won’t it be nice to have someone else to ride with, she said. All the really cool kids are doing it, she said. So, I gathered up my courage and through the miracle of that set of tubes we call the internet, I got all signed up.

Now, a 40-mile ride was kind of intimidating to me. The longest I’d been on was 35, and the first ten miles of that are bombing downhill at forty miles per hour. Exhilarating, yes. Work, no. Except for keeping an eye out for gravel patches and manning those brake levers like your life depends on it. Which it in fact does. So the thought of having a cohort in crime was attractive. When we did the 35 miler together it was over so much faster than when I did it alone, the year before.

Cut to this morning. As I drive to the venue, my cellphone rings. She’s bailing. (To be fair, she did warn me that she might if it was rainy, and I don’t really blame her that much, although I will give her crap about it forever.)

Great. Now what am I going to do? Should I ride forth, alone and friendless (sniff, sniff), into the driving rain? Or should I turn around and go home?

Clearly, friends and neighbors, I have no brain at all. I chose to forge ahead, though I did occasionally falter. Like every minute and a half, right up until we got moving.

So, off we went. Lance Armstrong was there to kick it off, there was much media coverage, hoopla, fol-de-rol, etc. Into the Valley of Rain rode the 3,000! Puddles to the left of them! Puddles to the right of them!

All went fantastically at first. I was completely drenched, but warm; the wind was a bit gusty but not terribly strong, the rain was steady but not a deluge. The hills were rolling and manageable. I stopped at the rest stops and snacked a bit, had some water, some Gatorade. It’s all good. This is easy! … Okay, not easy, but not horrible.

Then, I met (duhn duhn DUHN!) the train tracks. Sure, I’d met train tracks before, and just passed right over them, no problem. But these tracks were different. They were not perpendicular to the road. They were slanty. This was along about mile 25.

The textbook approach to a slanty railroad track is to turn your bicycle slightly to meet them at a 90 degree angle. If you have time and realize that the track is slanty before you pass over it. Which I did not. Also? If it’s raining? Yeah, you’re pretty much screwed.

In all the years that I commuted by bicycle in my misspent youth, I never ONCE wiped out on a railroad track, manhole cover, or crosswalk stripe – all slippery harbingers of evil to the bicycle tire, particularly the smooth ones favored by road bikes.

Yeah. So much for that.

My front tire got over it all right but the back tire slipped right down into the slanty groove and suddenly I was all over the road like a big, nylon-coated sack of potatoes. I took the brunt of it on my right elbow, then my shoulder and hip. My right ankle got into the act as well as the inside/back of my left knee. I slid down the road, merrily slithering along, until finally coming to rest. Which is when the pain began. Ow. Ow, ow, ow. Stinging ow! Hurting ow! OW!

Fortunately, a police car bearing two law-upholding types happened to be right behind me, and they stopped to collect me and my trusty steed off the pavement. Once I determined that nothing was broken, sprained, or bleeding, I continued on, smarting and wincing but Not! Giving! Up! I found that there was a hitch in my gitalong: some shifting difficulties, but I can still limp along. Another rider happened along and accompanied me to the next rest stop, which mercifully was not far away, and once there, I submitted my bike to the attentions of the mechanics who are omnipresent at all stops. They bent my rear derailleur back into some semblance of order. It will require further ministration by Ye Olde Bike Shoppe, but it was good enough to keep me on the road. Also I was given some Tylenol by the medics.

Oh! And they handed out these swell little mini-warm-packs, which they suggested be placed inside each of our gloves, right against the blood vessels that pass close to the surface on the inner aspect of the wrist. This kept my hands perfectly warm for the rest of the ride. A little trick to remember!

Several riders were being assessed there for hypothermia. I do not know what the temperature was today but it was a bit chilly, and with the rain (and shocking lack of raingear displayed by many riders) it was easy to get chilled.

The rest of the ride passed without incident. I was flagging pretty hard but was too close to resort to the sag wagon. I inched my way up the hills and slogged down them, and eventually arrived at The Finish Line! Yay me!

Now, those of you who know me at all should be guessing that this is not the end of the story. And, if you know me well, you should already be adding up the variables:

Fatigue.
Cold.
Low blood sugar.
Anxiety about time.
Poor sense of direction.

I now have three hours to get home, take a shower, and drive to work.

Can I find my car?

Of course not.

After a good twenty minutes of wandering through the vast, confusing parking lots, I made my way back to the post-event party and found some helpful volunteers to assist me. A very nice and extremely patient young man drove me around in a truck, bike in back, through every single parking lot. My car was in the last possible place it could have been. This process took a HALF HOUR, during which I have gotten colder and colder, until I am shivering uncontrollably. Thank heavens the car warms up quickly.

Once I get on the road, I pick my way through complete traffic mayhem and finally arrive home. It is now 2:30pm. I finished the event two and a half hours ago. I call work, tell them I’ll be late, run inside, shower, dress, endure enthusiastic wrestling moves administered by the young one (ow! ow! ow!), and bolt to work. I am half an hour late, due in part to yet more traffic mayhem. This is the first really rainy week of the fall and no one here can drive in the rain now, evidently. There are accidents everywhere.

It was still totally worth it.

I rock! (at least a little bit!)

PS I totally blame my absent friend for the wipeout AND my inability to find the car. Ha! (just kidding) (sort of)

PS Again: My elbow is all swollen up and hurts like a mofo. My hip is developing its bruise quite nicely. And the back/side of my left knee is purple. War wounds!

Bitter, Table for One

For some reason as I woke up for the umpteenth time in the night my brain started rehashing a recent conversation with my father. This, coupled with the noise emanating from A Person In Close Proximity To Me Who Shall Remain Anonymous, resulted in my getting out of bed. In part as an attempt to head off the inevitable violence that would result had I stayed in bed, as That Person is difficult to wake and I was getting mighty peeved at the levels of sleep-enjoyance that I was experiencing. Which is to say, "nonexistent."

So, the conversation, which takes place on my 40th birthday:

(My cell phone rings)

Me (while getting out of car to enter MembershipCo store): Hello?
Dad: Well hello there.
Me: Hi, Dad, how are you?
Dad: Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Say, I called to tell you that Your Evil Stepmother's job with Gigantic Construction Company is closing ahead of schedule and she's taking another one at the airport expansion out in Major East Coast City. You know, conveniently close to where her kids all live. Far from here. Not near any of my family such as my children or elderly mother or other relatives.
Me: Oh, well I understand how it goes. Believe me. I certainly do. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Dad: Well I'm glad you do. Hey, we're selling most of our crap because given the state of the housing market right now, we're reluctant to buy a house that we might have trouble unloading later should her kids move away from that area, forcing us to relocate yet again. If there's anything you might like, let me know.
Me: Well, we pretty much have everything we need... although we do want to replace the living room couch, as it is an antiquated futon that was chewed on by the dogs when they were puppies.
Dad: Oh, except the couches. Those are spoken for by someone who we barely know, because they asked first, and we can't be bothered to tell anyone that we want to give my kids first crack at anything!
Me: Oh, okay. Well, I can't think of anything else we would need. ....Well, I should get going, I'm here at MembershipCo.
Dad: Oh, are you doing a little shopping?
Me: Yeah, we're having a sort of a... get together with friends tomorrow. September 8th. The day after today, September 7th. Perhaps in celebration of something.
Dad: Well, that sounds nice. I'll let you go then, because I am a clueless idiot and have forgotten every single one of your daughter's birthdays so far, so why in the world should I remember yours? Although that Evil Wife of mine, boy, she never forgets any of her kids' or grandkids' birthdays! But she usually doesn't remind me of yours, your brother's, or any of my grandkids' special days. What a corker she is. Ha! Ha! Ha! Talk to you later!
Me: Okay, bye Dad.
(click)

Okay, so maybe it didn't go exactly like that, but I have helpfully included the subtext for those reader(s) unfamiliar with my particular family dynamics. Or more like family statics.

One day I will not be bothered by any of this.

Update time

Golly, I haven’t updated in bloody ages. There hasn’t been a lot going on, I mean other than getting stuff done that needs doing, or else putting it off until some other time. More typically the latter.

I got my fingerprints done and back already, so that’s out of the way. Then had to send in a copy of my CNA training diploma to verify that the training was completed no more than one year prior to my entry into nursing school. Now have to submit my transcript for the last term of anatomy & physiology, which I thought I did but must have forgotten. Must find checkbook…

There are some things I need to get done before starting nursing school. For starters, clean out the horrible Pit of Despair that used to be my lovely, spanking clean, shiny office. It has become the “dump & run” room where anything hanging around the kitchen or wherever gets thrown before we have a party or some other such event. And the filing. Ye gods, the filing. I am spending my days shredding ancient stubs that don’t need to be kept (gas bill July 2005, etc.) and trying to find homes for the many miscellaneous pieces of crap that I simply must keep, yet have no place for. The closet is full of college textbooks (ed. note: not mine). There is much junk piled around. It is depressing. I would like to have it whipped into shape before the shit hits the fan in January.

Tomorrow I get to go look for more Crocs. I bought that bright yellow pair at the triathlon and now my feet are totally addicted. For those of you who are not acquainted with my feet, let us just say that they are a sad example of what feet are not supposed to be as regards structural requirements, load-bearing, etc. I wear the Crocs and my feet sing with pleasure, giddy foot-laughter abounds, etc. I wear anything else, even with orthotics, and my feet are sad and grouchy by mid-day, even on days wherein I do not spend much time on my feet. I realize that there are many Croc-haters out there, but I for one cannot say enough good things about them. I mean, I wouldn’t wear them to the opera, but for everyday casual wear they are great. So now I would like a pair that are a slightly less exciting color, like maybe chocolate brown or similar.

Ooh, speaking of the opera, my mother and stepfather and I are going to see “Carmen” this week. The woman playing Carmen looks fantastic. :)

Inky badness

For the second time in about six weeks, an ink pen has found its way into a place where no ink pen belongs. That's right, my friends: the dryer. The dryer full of my favorite clothes. The dryer with my daughter's new shirt and tights in it. The stupid dryer. GAH.

So I'm skipping church today to go find some new clothes. Sorry, Lord Almighty God the Father, I'm having a wardrobe crisis and somehow that's more important to me today than engaging in worship and fellowship with my chosen family.

...That, and the fact that the other day whilst browsing around in a store I happened to see some of the very clothes that just got ruined, and they were on clearance. I can't risk another three hours (service + visiting after + drive time) on them being snapped up right out from under me! By some mindless, undeserving zombie who didn't just have half her major wardrobe staples defiled by Papermate or Bic or whoever. Surely this is excusable.

Exhaustive List (Warning: v. boring)

So it turns out that going to nursing school requires a great deal of preparation.

Firstly, the prerequisite courses of microbiology, nutrition, psychology (human development), three terms of anatomy & physiology, chemistry, math, etc. Fortunately I was excused from several courses, having already completed them for my bachelor’s, and now they are all behind me. Got all A’s but one term of A&P, wherein I received a "B." (golf clap here)

Secondly, the Certified Nurse Assistant course and certification exam must be completed also. I did that in the spring.

And then once you are at last accepted, they send a fat little packet of materials with a lengthy list of yet more things to take care of before your first day of class. Indeed, at least one week or more before your first day of class. Or else.

1. Send Euphemism College a check for two hundred bucks to show that you are in earnest about attending their program. Do it soon or they will give away your spot to some other schlub. Done.

2. Submit a money order for 18 bucks, a short letter detailing why you need a background check, and a set of your fingerprints (taken at the local cop shop by a burly, bored cop for ten bucks cash only) to the FBI. Do it now as it takes 3 to 4 months to get your clearance. Done.

3. Turn your head and cough! Physical exam and immunizations time. MMR, two TB tests, hepatitis vaccines, tetanus and chicken pox shots. Good thing I have health insurance. I’ll schedule this closer to the start date.

4. Take CPR (Healthcare Provider Level). I’m trying to see if work will cover this one or part of it since I have to take general adult CPR for my job anyway. This agency has become rather tight with a buck so I’m thinking no. But it’s worth a try.

5. Apply for financial aid. Ha! I don’t qualify anyway. But, done.

6. Attend mandatory orientation when commanded to.

7. Blah blah blahdey blah blah. It goes on and on. Sign this, buy that, etc.

Next, there is the supply list. A well-prepared Nursing Student will have, prior to the first day of clinicals (i.e. indentured slavery at some facility or hospital):

1. White scrub top and pants, white shoes, white lab coat with Euphemism College Nursing Program patches – have top already from CNA course, hope the college permits Croc type shoes…

2. Stethoscope

3. Black pen -- oh, I have thousands of these. But an excuse to run out and buy retractable black gel ink pens? Sweet!!!

4. Watch with second hand - given to me for my birthday by an extremely thoughtful friend whose mom is a nurse, or I guess now she is retired

5. Nursing student photo ID (available at bookstore after orientation)

6. Large loose-leaf notebook – got it.

7. Textbooks

8. Rolling backpack recommended - already ordered off internet

9. Parking permit for campus

10. Several 9x12 manila envelopes for submitting assignments

So, the next few months will be spent doing/obtaining all the things I need to do/have to prepare, and all the other things I won't be doing while in school: hanging out with the family, reading for fun, playing World of Warcraft until my eyes bleed, etc.

Half Dead

So, I'm 40 now. Some might view this as a terrible thing but let's just review the past month, shall we? (woo-woo-woo-woo) (<--- flashback music)

-- I got a shiny new bike.
-- I completed a triathlon.
-- I got into nursing school.

Let's review the last few days before I turned 40:

-- An unexpected and decently-sized check came in the mail. Which we got to use as we saw fit.
-- An unexpected packet came in the mail welcoming me to nursing school beginning a full term before I thought I would be attending.

Let's review my 40th birthday party:

-- I got to have a pirate theme which was totally fun.
-- A pack of kids ages 3 to 11 all wielding dollar-store pirate swords with push-button sound-and-light action is a blast. I only wish I had gotten more eyepatches.
-- The food was good and the mojitos were even better.
-- Many good friends and relatives showed up and showered me with good wishes.
-- I got some nice gifts which were beside the point but totally appreciated. It turns out it really is the thought that counts. :)

I had a great birthday. Thank you everyone. I love you all.

As Promised

We bought the young one a new coat today, in preparation for winter, and she consented to try it on only once we got home. It turned out to be a bit large, but at least this way it will last maybe two years. And here is a photo taken with the spanky new camera:

Cat Prin

Go thou here and look verily within. Disappointment shall not afflict thee.

http://www.petoffice.co.jp/catprin/english/#kaeru

Chain Spam Email extravaganza! and other stuff.

I just got another one of those chain-spam-emails. An excerpt:

"In case you didn't know ... Please pass this on.

Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him.

As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners." However, the Israelis would not release any with "blood on their hands." The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.

Thus Mr. Atta was freed and eventually "thanked the US" by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified.

It was censored in the US from all later reports."

So, thanks to my Dad, I'm always suspicious of any email I get like this, so I looked it up. The fellow who bombed the bus was a Palestinian who happened to have a similar alias. No connection. Also the account of his arrest are incorrect. Thank you snopes.com!

There are further inconsistencies and falsities in the email, such as the bit about how Ollie North named Osama bin Laden as a scary terrorist at some hearings... when it was really Abu Nidal... and how Al Gore was there... when he wasn't... You can read all about it at http://www.snopes.com/rumors/atta.asp (which links to the North page) if you like.

I'm not especially political so please nobody send me a bunch of spewy comments about my political leanings or tell me I'm a bad American for doubting every little "fact" that gets emailed to me. I just don't like misinformation and especially I don't like sensationalism. These emails are sent out to elicit a response, from the looks of them a knee-jerk one, and I don't like being manipulated like that. How many people read these and believe every word? Too damn many.

In the "other stuff" category: I got my birthday gift from J early, only by about a day and a half which is kind of a record for us. Neither of us is very good at keeping gifts a secret. I wouldn't have gotten this one early except that she left it out in its mailing box a little too long, and in my cleaning for the party I was forced to handle it once or twice. You can't tempt fate like that. So last night it was on the table here and as we noshed I said, "So are you ever going to wrap whatever is in this box from" -- craning neck to read off mailing label -- "Electronic Express Inc.?" So she gave it to me. :)

It's a Sony Cyber-shot 7.2 megapixel digital camera. I will post photos soon, when the baby's hair isn't scary and she's wearing clothes that don't suggest she just popped out of a clown car down at the Big Top. Like right now. Until that time, I do offer this classic shot of her from a week or two ago, right about the time she became keen on picking out her own clothes and putting them on all by herself. Note the creative juxtaposition of stripes and plaids, the playful mixing of shorts with long sleeves, the fun flowered rubber boots. Clearly this young lady will go far in life!

OMG!!!

I didn't collect the mail for a week or so... Just lazy, wasn't expecting anything good, etc. Sometimes I get a kind of weird pathological avoidance issue about the mailbox, whereas other times I am fanatical about collecting it every day. It's a locking box so I don't worry too much about security.

So today there was a note on the door, "Please collect your mail!" because the box was full. I extracted the armload of mail, sifted through the catalogs, junk mail, etc and found a few items of interest. A birthday card from my friend Elizabeth, who is currently in England, a whopping good fat check from the escrow account of the old mortgage (which J. must check on whether must be sent to the new mortgage company, boo), my updated CNA certificate, etc. Odds and ends.

But ho!

What's this big manila envelope addressed to me?

"Congratulations! As Director of Nursing at Euphemism College, it is my sincere pleasure to inform you of your selection into the Nursing Program beginning winter 2008."


OMG!!!!

Last I heard I had not made the cut in April and so was waiting ever so patiently for the October evaluation... and would be attending in either April or September of next year. Someone must have declined, most people apply at several places and then choose the one they want most. And I was high enough on the list to make it in.

Gah!

More Tri Stuff (short, at least)

I looked up my times from two years ago when I did the bike and run (walk in my case)at the same tri that I just did.

Two years ago I did not swim, and my bike speed was 12.something mph.
This year I did swim and my bike speed was 14.something mph. Perhaps the new bike? And adrenaline. Definitely part of it.

The walk times were essentially the same.

My goals for next year: cut at least 5 min off swim time. Bike speed 16mph or better. And run the run course instead of walking.

More News of a General Sort

It's been kind of randomly hectic lately so I haven't updated in a while. Let's see what's shakin' down by the Swamp....

We lost a chicken to the kiddie pool last week. Oh sweet Harriet, we hardly knew ye... She was the fluffy, curly-feathered frizzle banty. It was a sad day. The remaining two chickens, Elizabeth and Beatrice, seem not to notice her absence, but they do have brains the size of a fingernail so perhaps that's not surprising. The baby also does not notice for which we are very relieved. Eventually we will have to explain this whole shuffling-off-the-mortal-coil thing to her but we are hoping to put it off a bit longer.

Took said young one to the state fair last Sunday. It was a lot of fun, we went with my mom and stepdad, my brother and his wife, and three of the nephews. It was more or less the perfect day to go to the fair, warm and sunny but breezy too and not blistering hot. Delia being 3 is both too fast and too slow (quick to disappear, but needs to be carried if you want to keep up a lot of the time) and as I dislike the stroller in these crowded situations, it was a lot of work taking her, but she had fun. Except on the first ride which was a little too scary for her. It was a kiddie ride but had a little hill and went a shade too fast and she got freaked out. Then we put her on the canoe ride, wherein a tiny canoe goes lazily around a loop of aqueduct and she settled down and enjoyed it.

I myself went on the Regurgitron 2000, or that's what I call it. The spaceship that spins and you lean on the wall and stick to it from the centrifugal force. (Or didn't I hear that it's actually centripetal force and everybody gets it wrong?) Anyway my mom and sister-in-law and the three nephews all went too which was a novel experience. Not sure I have ever ridden a ride with my mother. We all laughed our heads off. I wondered aloud how often they have to hose it out between rides. Eww.

The funniest parts of the fair came courtesy of my brother, who is nothing if not a good sport. First we draped him with our purses and the Big Bag of Kettle Korn, around which orbited Delia, while we went on our ride. Then as we sat and lunched near the stage, on which the talent competition was being held, he got "Whoops there goes another rubber tree" going through his head, which continued at least through yesterday per his text message to me of yesterday afternoon.

But the final story requires a bit of backstory: My brother's backside, or lack thereof, is legendary. First it was just my mom and I saying he had no butt. Then it was friends. Then, he was walking through a popular night spot and heard one person seated nearby turn to their date and say, "Did you see that guy who just went by? He had no butt!" Seriously, his Levi's ride a little sideways on account of there is no butt to anchor them in place.

So as we hiked tiredly through the parking lot that night, I told Delia to "follow Uncle Craig and his imaginary buttcheeks!"

Yeah, it was maybe not the best thing to say in front of Uncle Craig's sons, ages 11, 9 and 6... I myself laughed so hard I nearly had to stop walking and collect myself. I don't know where it came from, but there it was. I am told I must watch my mouth while babysitting said nephews this weekend...

Speaking of which, there is no high speed internet at my brother's. It will be like stepping back into the dark ages. I will need tranquilizers to get through it. :(

What kind of nerd are you?

I've come to the conclusion that nerds have way more fun, and at last I am coming to grips with my nerdhood. To that end:

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Science/Math Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Social Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Anime Nerd
Musician
Drama Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace