Lamentations

Kindly google "lamentations of the father" and read the piece you find by Ian Frazier. I recommend theatlantic website.

I read this years ago and it still makes me laugh. Though it is not concerning flatulence of any kind.

Flatus = Hilarity

So the other day my better half informs me that she has discovered a new, hitherto unknown, phenomenon that occurs following the consumption of a certain quantity of ham. It is perhaps unsurprising that this discovery should come just after Easter, since for some reason it is traditional to celebrate the resurrection of Our Lord Jesus Christ -- a person of the Jewish persuasion -- with an enormous pile of cured pork.

At any rate, I was enlightened as to this phenomenon, even unto its name: ham gas.


There is something about this phrase, ham gas, that makes me laugh a stupid, giddy, almost-can't-get-the-words-ham-gas-out laugh. Ham gas! Ham gas! HAM! GAS!

Why is this so damn funny!!

There is also that phenomenon, also apparent around this time of year, because it is in season and readily available and cheap: aspara-gas.

It therefore gave me extreme pleasure just last night to unveil my own new secret weapon, one that is scarce at our house because we don't have them very often: fish stick gas.

Jabber-whacky good times!

This was published in Mad Magazine when I was a kid. It was brought to mind in a post from Yellojkt and I googled it --having not seen it since I was about twelve -- and here it is!

Jabber-Whacky

Or

On Dreaming, After Falling Asleep Watching TV

Isabelle Di Caprio

'Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves,
Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade;
All Pillsbury were the Taystee loaves
And in a Minute Maid.

"Beware the Station-Break, my son,
The voice that lulls, the ads that vex!
Beware the Doctors Claim, and shun
That horror called Brand-X!"

He took his Q-Tip'd swab in hand;
Long time the Tension Headache fought--
So Dristan he by a Mercury,
And Bayer-break'd in thought.

And as in Bufferin Gulf he stood
The Station-Break, with Rise of Tame,
Came Wisking through the Pride-hazed wood,
And Creme-Rinsed as it came!

Buy one! Buy two! We're almost through!
The Q-Tip'd Dash went Spic and Span!
He Tide Air-Wick, and with Bisquick
Went Aero-Waxing Ban.

"And hast thou Dreft the Station-Break?
Ajax the Breck, Excedrin boy!
Oh, Fab wash day, Cashmere Bouquet!"
He Handi-Wrapped in Joy.

'Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves
Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade;
All Pillsbury were the Taystee loaves,
And in a Minute Maid.

Zillion questions meme

Are your parents married or divorced?:	Divorced, twice. Once when I was five and again when I was seven.
Are you a vegetarian?:	Nuh uh. Pass me the bloody ribeye and be quick about it.
Do you believe in Heaven?:	When my cat died, that was when I decided there had to be heaven because the thought of being parted from him forever was more than I could take.
Have you ever come close to dying?:	Nearly got mushed by a truck once. Also, nearly lost my leg as a child.
What jewelry do you wear 24/7?:	Wedding ring.
Are you eating?:	Waiting on dinner right now.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli:	ZOMG yes!
Do you wear makeup?:	Nope. Think about it sometimes but I haven't since I was about 22 and working in the library downtown -- no a/c, hot as hell and dusty, makeup just ran anyway. Got out of the habit and then came out. Let the hairy legs and no makeup commence!
Would you ever have plastic surgery?:	No.
What do you wear to bed?:	Girl pajamas. Stop laughing. They make me feel pretty. Shut up.
Have you ever done anything illegal?:	Um... some very very minor illicit drug use as a teen. Very infrequent, very unrewarding. And one speeding ticket. And once I ran a red light by accident and got caught.
Can you roll your tongue?:	No! I feel like a freak now. Everybody else can!
Do You have a boyfriend or girlfriend?:	Er... next question please. Hahahaha, just kidding. No to either.
Do you believe in Abortions?:	It's a sad solution to a sad problem. I wish there was a better way.
What is your Hair color?:	"It used to be red..."
Future child’s name, boy and girl?:	No more in my future, but if I did, Hamish and Grace
Do you smoke?:	Not even once.
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?:	Barcelona, and every damn one of you is coming with me.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?:	Not unless you count Wilbur, the elderly black cat. She's to crabby to be stuffed though.
If you won the lottery, what would you do first?:	Pay off debts.
Gold or silver?:	White gold; silver if it's the kind that doesn't tarnish. I hate me some polishing.
Hamburger or hot dog?:	Hamburger with sharp cheddar, sauteed onions and mushrooms, and lettuce and tomato.
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?:	Vietnamese salad rolls with peanut sauce.
City, beach or country?:	All three!
What was the last thing you touched?:	Empty pop cans as I rinsed them and threw them in recycling.
Where did you eat last?:	The food court at the mall -- a post library snack.
When’s the last time you cried?:	When I broke my finger, around the end of January.
Do you read blogs?:	Pssht. Is a frog's ass watertight?
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?:	er, I kind of already do a lot of the time in winter. Sweaters, cargo pants.
Ever been involved with the police?:	I have to call them occasionally for work when a client is freaking out. Other than that, and the occasional traffic ticket, no.
What’s your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?:	I have no favorite shampoo. Or soap. But nothing too floral or fruity.
Do you talk in your sleep?:	No but I am told that I snore. Lies! All lies!
Ocean or pool?:	Both!
What’s your favorite song at the moment:	Lifehouse, "Hanging by a moment"; I know it's not a new song but it's stuck in my head.
Have you ever had a cavity?:	As a kid, tons. Not so much now.
Window seat or aisle seats?:	Window please and keep them drinks a-coming.
Ever met anyone famous?:	Had dinner with Doogie Howser's best friend Vinnie on the show, Max Casella. My then-ex-bf's sister was Max's girlfriend on the show or some damn thing. My ex's then-current gf was out of town so I got to go to dinner with them all when they came through town. Wonder if he ever told his then-current gf?
Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?:	Mmmmm... not especially at this point except for Delia. She is the best thing I ever did.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?:	Cut it. Otherwise I'm wearing a lot of sauce by the end of the meal.
What is your fav. sport to play?:	I like to ride my bicycle.
Basketball or football?:	Neither.
When was the last time you went to the bathroom?:	Um... is this really necessary to know?
Do you drive a stick?:	We have one of each and I drive both.
Cake or ice cream?:	Depends. Must I choose? Life is so short!
Are you self-conscious?:	Yes. Rather.
Do you like any of your close friends?:	Yes. Otherwise they would not be my close friends. Unless you mean "LIKE" like in which case, sure, they all have qualities I am attracted to, but that doesn't mean I LIKE like them necessarily.
Have you ever given money to a bum?:	Does J's brother count?
Have you been in love?:	Too confusing. Next question please.
Where do you wish you were?:	Walking across the stage getting pinned at my RN ceremony.
On myspace why is the 1st person on ur top 8 there?:	I don't really do myspace.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?:	Yes. Avoid it if you can.
Can you tango?:	No.
Last gift you received?:	A book about better living through movies which I've read parts of. It's pretty funny!
What occasion did you recieve your gift?:	Sort of an Easter and just because thing I guess?
Last thing you spent lots of money on?:	Textbooks. Tuition.
Where do you live?:	Pacific Northwest.
Last wedding attended.:	Lordy, it's been ages. My own?
Favorite restaurant?:	Hole in the wall Vietnamese place nearby.
What is your favorite kind of car?:	1967 Chevy Impala.
Most hated food(s):	Sour cream, cream cheese, soft cheese of any kind.
Most loved food(s)?:	Fried rice, shrimp, shrimp fried rice....
Can you sing?:	After a fashion. Depends on how particular you are about the little niceties like if it sounds better than the cat horking up a furball or something.
Person on your mind?:	My daughter, sleeping in her big girl bed for the first time tonight!
What’s your least fav. chores?:	Putting clothes away.
Favorite drink?:	Co-Cola with ice and a straw. Or something alcoholic.
Currently have a Crush?:	Who doesn't?
How long was your longest drive in a car?:	Portland, Oregon, to Fairbanks, Alaska.
Why do you do Myspace surveys?:	I don't.
Do you know who Nick Tyo is?:	No, and I stubbornly refuse to google him.

Photo blog at last

Too lazy to post photos during the quarter -- okay, too busy -- but here I have finally cleared the camera and voila, photos abound!

For starters, here is the nest of the elusive First Quarter Nursing Student. Note the array of books, supplies, and snacks. This was taken the night before the ritual First Paper Due Date.
Next, we have the baby's first rollerskating experience, aside from tootling around the house on her Go Diego Go skates. Dear friend John is supporting her in her efforts in one of these shots. Despite momentary discomfort when her hand got a tiny bit squished, she appeared to enjoy the experience overall. Note: the last time she wore those pants, they came down past her ankles. Lordy, that kid can grow.

Up next: at my Mom's retirement party yesterday, before she got TOO grubby.

Go here now.

This is possibly the most fun I've ever had blogging. Go forth and read the comments in particular.

http://melgee.multiply.com/journal/item/392/Ten_Thought_Tuesday

To Mow

Perchance to trim, to clip the ragged sheaf of fescue...

I mowed today for the first time this year. It's 63 degrees out and cloudy with sunbreaks so I thought I'd better get a mow on if I was gonna anytime soon. This kind of weather doesn't last too long around here in spring. Yesterday, for instance, it rained all day long. I thought I'd start with the front yard and just mow until it started to rain, but it stayed sunny so I kept on mowing and now the entire yard is at least less unsightly than usual. I'm drawing the line at running the weed whacker. This whole mowing thing was unscheduled as it was.

J's brother is here for a brief (and by the way utterly unscheduled) visit. Some souvenirs from his prior visit: a big yellow canoe-shaped mark in the grass on the side yard, most of the dirt in our family room carpet, and a freezer full of some kind of fragrantly deceased fish (not the delicious salmon but some other kind of smelly denizen of the deep). Here's to hoping that this visit is short and to the point. Delia, however, is nearly hysterical with joy. Doug's dog Busty is among her favorite living beings. As I blog this, she is joyously chasing Busty around the house, throwing a toy for him and yelling at the top of her lungs. He does bear close watching, however, as he does have a small tendency to hump things when excited. First off, eeeeeeuw, and secondly, he weighs about three times as much as she does.

The Final Tally

Surprise, surprise.

Remember when I talked about the best case scenario?

Yay me!

I got an A in 112, an A in 113, and a B+ in 110. And passes in the pass/fails.

I rock! :)

Er, it was at least partly luck. And stuff like that. :)

How I'll Spend My Spring Vacation

Big plans!

1. Clean house. House is filthy shithole, fit for pigs or similar. Drifts of animal hair threatening to obscure television from view. For obvious reasons, this is unacceptable.
2. Take baby rollerskating for the first time in her tender young life. (Note to self: locate leftover bubble wrap and duct tape before next Weds.)
3. Take day trip to beach. If tradition holds, choose rainiest day in recent history. Has baby gotten over irrational fear of sand?
4. Clean more of house, including scraping rings out of bathtub, chipping Mysterious Residue off any window the baby can reach, and sifting through bushel baskets of mail.
5. Obsessively prepare New and Improved Notebook of Doom for next term. Have decided to keep current NoD filled with 1st Quarter class materials. (Why? Who knows. Perhaps I'll need them someday?)
6. Play World of Warcraft until my eyes dry up and fall out of my head. Repeat as often as tolerated by Better Half.
7. Get off slothful (and expanding) butt and resume healthful gym activity. Can now almost grip things with Finger of Doom! And let's not forget Livestrong Ride coming up.
8. Ooh, speaking of which, must call and get therapy for same. Can only bend partway, and hurts like... well, like something that hurts a lot.
9. Take baby to library, zoo, museum, and anywhere else she likes.
10. Did I mention cleaning and other types of home maintenance? Including, but not limited to: dusting, vacuuming, cleaning rugs, tackling Mt. Washmore, sorting forty bazillion toys into their respective storage units, wiping down kitchen cupboards (ours are white, and we have a not quite 4 year old... yeah, it's not pretty), cleaning chicken coop, mowing lawn, bunny cage, bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchen, dining room, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
11. Drink heavily; hire housekeeper. (okay, just wishful thinking)
11. Take baby to soccer practice! Am soccer mom now!
12. Work on weekends as usual

That about sums it up.

First Grade Posted

I got an A in 112! Yay!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So I missed the Danskin Triathlon registration for the Seattle tri and have been silently suffering ever since.

Today I got an email. They have a new race. Another tri in the series.

It's at freaking DISNEYLAND.

I want to go so bad it hurts, but no way can I afford it. It would cost me like a thousand dollars to go do this thing, and I don't need to do it. But oh lordy, I want to.

Two Down

Got an 89 on my final today. I might, just maybe, squeek an A in that class, but it's gonna be close either way so I'm not holding my breath.

Tomorrow morning I take my last final (my final final?) for first term -- one term down, five to go! I suspect I could get an A in this class (112, "Introduction to Mental Health Concepts") but again, hard to tell.

Worst case scenario: B's in all classes that get letter grades, pass in the lab and clinicals.

Best case scenario: a B in 113 ("Professional Nursing Skills I"), A in 110 ("Foundations of Professional Nursing"), A in 112, pass in the lab and clinicals.

Not bad work, Grasshopper.

One down, plus: occupational terrorists

Took my nursing assessment final yesterday.

First off let me just say that performance testing freaks me out big time. I just hate being observed. It took me four tries to get my driver's license, and why? Sheer nerves. My heart pounds, my mouth dries out, my hands shake, I break out in a sweat. It's ridiculous.

That being said, I did pass all my skill check-offs on the first try, which I attribute mostly to sheer dumb luck. I did not realize that most of my peers failed at least one of them at some point, until someone asked me about it and I blithely admitted that I hadn't failed any of them. This drew many cold stares and whiny "OMG I totally hate you"s from the rest of the table.

Anyways I passed my final with a "B." The test was administered by my clinicals instructor. He's a decent guy which made it less intimidating. Unfortunately, I misunderstood some crucial instruction beforehand: he went down the list of points to cover in the assessment and told us which ones not to chart, but I thought he meant not to even assess those. So I probably would have squeaked an A on the final had I understood that correctly.

Then he returned my patient presentation, on which we all got B's. Mostly due to a boatload of minor APA formatting errors. I am totally going to get the APA formatting software. This will eliminate most of those errors out of hand.

So, I'll probably get a B in that class. I had good module scores, probably a low A, but the B on the paper and the B on the final will bring me to a B.

In other news: I saw the finger doctor Tuesday. Mr. Smug Physician's Assistant was somewhat more bearable. He clucked disapprovingly when I showed him my still-swollen, stiff, non-bending finger, and proceeded to grab it and try to bend it for me. This sound emerged from my mouth, entirely unbidden from me: "NGGGGAAAAAHHHHH!" The Finger of Doom did not bend. "So," he says cheerfully, "you need to go see the occupational terrorists! And this is gentle compared with what they will do to you!" I swear there was a subliminal "MUWAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Maniac laugh in there too but only I could hear it. The other people in the office did not call security as they certainly should have done.

I am supposed to be warming my finger up for ten minutes or so using a hot compress, then using my other hand to bend the finger, then slapping a cold pack on it -- oh and eating ibuprofen like candy -- but this would interfere pretty severely with my gaming and blogging time. Ah, priorities...

Last class!

Just walked out of my last class of the quarter! SWEET!!!!

Now I have left: 2 module tests (got 95 on the one I took yesterday, thank you, please hold your applause), the head to toe, and two finals next week.

Then I was talking to a friend from 2nd quarter and she told me, I should go directly for master's right away because starting in 2013 you'll have to have a doctorate to be a nurse practitioner instead of a master's. So, I'll be contacting that advisor over at Hyperbole University RIGHT AWAY!!!

By the way, in high school when I was attending a health occupations magnet program I said I would never be a nurse. And when I started nursing school a scant three months ago I said I'd never be a nurse practitioner.

I think it's time I said it: I'll never be a millionaire! And, um, I'll never travel the world! And I'll never ever get a brand new BMW motorcycle and ride around like I'm super badass! Never!!

Pee body

When Delia was a baby I liked to call her Peabody when she had a wet diaper. Come here ya little Peabody, I'd say. Once, when she was suffering from some weird throwing up problem (her only real illness aside from a few snotty head colds) I got to use a little stick-on external catheter to try to get a teeny, tiny urine sample from her. The throwing up problem went away a couple of days later, but I'll treasure that memory forever... NOT.

Anyway, you might be asking yourself, "I wonder what this might be leading up to?"

Well, today I signed off on my final skill for this term. Inserting a Foley catheter.

Those of you who are super fortunate may not realize that when you are very ill, have lengthy surgery, break your entire pelvis, whatever, those evil people at the hospital will stick a hose into your whatnot for the purpose of letting you pee into a bag. Pray that this never happens to you, if only to avoid the off chance that some ham-handed nursing student will get a shot at "practicing their skills" on your bits and pieces.

For the purposes of lab practice, we use anatomically correct manikins. They feature interchangeable personal regions. So, Mr. Ken Dahl might become Ms. Anastasia Beaverhausen (my personal favorite made up name which I totally stole from Will & Grace) with a brisk riiiiiiiiiiiiiip of velcro. Both genders feature simplified, large-bore openings so that the hapless moron student can get an idea of what they're up against come the revolution. The visual on this can be, trust me, a bit disturbing the first time, but after a bit we all become accustomed to the "squishy bits" looking (in the case of the male manikin part) somewhat realistic in a rubbery way, but with a gigantic opening at the end, or (in the case of the female manikin part) gapingly horrifying and with perfectly round openings in appropriate places. You can get used to anything, it seems.

At any rate, this skill is due by next Tuesday, so like good little students the smarter ones among us (and here I include myself, modestly) have taken care of this early. The lab does get lousy with students toward a deadline and the lab instructors are less than sympathetic to our cries and pleas. They shut the lab promptly and go home with clear consciences. We were given these deadlines the first week of the term.

Three more module tests, the head to toe, and two finals. Go us!

Head to toe assessment

My good friend Elizabeth (I'll link her blog when I get home where the handy bookmark is) gave me a nice synopsis of the head-to-toe assessment on manikins we'll be doing for our final a week from now:

"Plastic.

Plastic.

More of a vinyl type here with squishy bits.

Lots of squishy bits.

Anatomically correct vinyl.

Plastic again.

Plastic."

This will totally help me get an A! Thanks, Elizabeth!

Two more weeks!

So, two weeks from now I'll be studying for my last final of this term. Gah!!!

And, this Thursday is my last clinical for this term.

A week after that we do our head-to-toe assessment on a manikin as a final for clinicals.

Then finals week begins and I'll have two and a half weeks off.

And then it starts all over again.

Good times!

Bummer :(

I've been so depressed about this I haven't been able to blog about it. But here goes.

I missed the online registration for the Danskin triathlon.

It was Feb. 26th, and in the past it seemed to be available for some time, so I wasn't too worried about doing it first thing in the morning. But then when I logged on and tried to register around 5pm... it was already closed. :( It was entirely possible to register by mail or fax beforehand, but I had never had any trouble registering online before, so that's what I was going to do this year too.

The triathlon was a huge part of my summer last year, and this year I talked two of my friends into going. I was so excited about it. And they both got registered... and I didn't.

I'm still excited, I am going to go with them and be their support crew -- but I'm so, so, so bummed about not getting to participate.

I realize that as Real Problems go, this is not a very big deal. But I'm still bummed.

Livestrong Ride

Here in the Pacific Northwest we're having the Lance Armstrong Foundation Livestrong Ride on June 29th. It is a fundraiser for the LAF which raises money for cancer research.

Last year I completed the 40-mile route of this ride (Alone and in the rain! And I fell down and I kept on going!) and this year -- this year, my people, I'm doing the SEVENTY mile route! The forty-miler from last year was the longest ride I'd ever done, so I'm seriously upping the ante this year. And part of why I chose to do that was hearing about Stacey.

If you would like to help me reach -- or ideally EXCEED -- my fundraising goal of five hundred dollars, please let me know by sending me a private message here on Multiply.

Stacey, my butt will be hurting all day on June 30th JUST FOR YOU!!!!